Every night I pray I pray for a lot of things. But last nights prayer involved me ask/ tell God I know that we have all been working hard on getting me my update. God I need a sign I need to know if Cody's Mom will be sending me a update or not. Knowing good and well while praying this that I could not be getting an update at all.
Well this am I got up, took my thyroid pill, fed the pup, let him out, got Lillian out of her pile of stuffed animals she slept on and made her breakfast. When Lillian was eating I started a load of laundry. Nothing special just an average morning at my house. After I started a load of whites I was caring the empty basket to my closet, but I got stopped in my tracks from a phone call. I said to Matt "be Kirsh and Kirsh be Kirsh and Kirsh".
As I picked up the phone I heard a VERY familiar voice.. " Hello this is Steve Kirsh is this Stephanie"? I was SHOCKED our lawyer was calling ME! I said "Yes this is her, Hello Steve" He then goes on to tell me that he spoke (finally) with Cody's mom. He also tell's me that he had to do some digging/ research to find their home number. If you recall Cody's mother has been with holding their home phone number. Come to find out it looks as if both of Cody's parents are retired and have other jobs now. This is were the conversation got real real interesting. Steve spoke with Cody's Mom asking that we had been in contact with her in January for an update and wanted to know where it was. She tells him that this up date is just a courteous update.. Steve's answer to that was what do you mean? "Well after the age of 5 my obligation to send update's is up" Steve was not happy with this comment. "Yes you are correct" "I guess it is a courteous if that is what you want to call it" I could tell in the tone of Steve's voice he was so not happy with her. He later asks her why she hasn't sent the update any way..? She tell's him she has been working 6 day's a week. This is where Steve should pull out super lawyer cape..." That isn't a excuse". He goes on to ask when " Stephanie should be expecting her up date"? She latter tell's him she will try to get it out by the end of the week.
Steve doesn't have much hope in his voice at this point to think she will do it at all! But many many times Steve told me in our conversation that he is very disappointed in them and their actions. I told him they have changed so much in the 8 years that I picked them to be my son's parents.. I don't even know them any more.
At this point I'm not surprised by what was said. But what does make me the most mad is Cody's mother is not thinking of me or I feel Cody. It feels like she is making strong strides to keep us apart. It is hart breaking to feel that way. I gave you MY life, my heart, my ALL. Everything I HAD in the WORLD. To be latter treated like last weeks trash and tossed to the curb. I'm not trash. I'm his Birth mother. If she doesn't think I should be able to see him, Then my heart and I know WE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Words cant explain how much that boy means to me. I will do what it takes to see him. (abiding the law of course)
BUT I have said it once I will say it a million times I have the best representation ever. I thank God so much for sending me Kirsh and Kirsh to help guide me and teach me what REAL adoption professionals do!
We will see what this story/conversation brings us. I'm hoping and praying for the best! But God sure did give me a sign a large sparkley sign with my name on it.
On a happy note I had my thyroid tested again for our next IVF and it is doing well!:) Way to go little engine that could!
please comment and let me know what you think!
Loads of love and Thank you for reading
Stephanie
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Going on more than a month and still NO UPDATE
So this week I spoke with Kirsh and Kirsh two times. I called and spoke to Lauren the Corresponding specialist on Wednesday. She said that they still hadn't heard anything from Cody's mom or revived my update to hold for pick up or mail to me. Lauren only has the info on Cody and his family that Cody's mother is willing to share. At this point in time that is just her personal email and address. She is obviously not responding to the last emails (three I think). Lauren then tells me she is going to have Steve (my favorite of my two lawyers but shhh don't tell) write a letter and send to Cody's mom and dad, in few days if they haven't contacted them back. I called back Friday with some hope in my heart that I think God put there just for this reason. Lauren and Steve are composing a letter this week to send to Cody's family.. Hopefully that puts a fire under there butts.
Today in Mass I learned that we should always forgive those that do us wrong and turn the other cheek. Which I know to be true with out hearing it. But I needed to hear it. I don't know why Cody's mom isn't sending my update, so I'm trying to be understanding and not mad about this situation. It is so hard to do so.. but I'm trying.
Ever since my first letters and cards to Cody (and his a family) I have worried that what I write, feel or express may hurt Cody or his family.. I also have felt like I may confuse or worry them. When I write to them I want them to know that what I'm writing is how I feel and what I want to say to my son. Yes I think about his family. But our letters are our letters. I don't get to see or speak with my son. Not by my choice, but writing is my only communication to him. I have decided that even if Cody's family doesn't send me an update I will continue to write and send letters/ cards. Even if I can't see him he will know my love for him! For my love is so strong for him.. and that is the ONLY reason I stopped being selfish thinking about my self and thought about him and his needs.
I have talked/wrote a bit about what I'm going to write now so please read past blogs, if need be.
When I placed Cody I thought I was ready for what was going to happen and what I was going to feel. But truth be told I had no idea what I would feel. When I was at home for the two weeks after (till I went back to HS hell) I wanted him back. I wanted him back bad.. I wasn't thinking of his family or his biological father. I was thinking about CODY AND I for once. I wanted to do what I had to do to get him back. But I never had the $ or power. When I had my counseling with Meg(see other blogs) I cried and my daddy begged for info on how to get him back.. Meg said what about the adoptive family Stephanie.. I then cried back WHAT ABOUT ME NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! I'm not a selfish person at all... I didn't want to put them threw any pain or anguish. When I was in emotional pain this week I asked Matt.. if I wasn't allowed to be selfish.. Why does Cody's mom? It is not fare to me or Cody.
8 years into the adoption "game" and I still don't understand it all. I like to think I'm still learning. I don't believe I will ever "know it all" But this I don't know if I will ever ever understand. I'm trying but failing at it.
Today in Mass I learned that we should always forgive those that do us wrong and turn the other cheek. Which I know to be true with out hearing it. But I needed to hear it. I don't know why Cody's mom isn't sending my update, so I'm trying to be understanding and not mad about this situation. It is so hard to do so.. but I'm trying.
Ever since my first letters and cards to Cody (and his a family) I have worried that what I write, feel or express may hurt Cody or his family.. I also have felt like I may confuse or worry them. When I write to them I want them to know that what I'm writing is how I feel and what I want to say to my son. Yes I think about his family. But our letters are our letters. I don't get to see or speak with my son. Not by my choice, but writing is my only communication to him. I have decided that even if Cody's family doesn't send me an update I will continue to write and send letters/ cards. Even if I can't see him he will know my love for him! For my love is so strong for him.. and that is the ONLY reason I stopped being selfish thinking about my self and thought about him and his needs.
I have talked/wrote a bit about what I'm going to write now so please read past blogs, if need be.
When I placed Cody I thought I was ready for what was going to happen and what I was going to feel. But truth be told I had no idea what I would feel. When I was at home for the two weeks after (till I went back to HS hell) I wanted him back. I wanted him back bad.. I wasn't thinking of his family or his biological father. I was thinking about CODY AND I for once. I wanted to do what I had to do to get him back. But I never had the $ or power. When I had my counseling with Meg(see other blogs) I cried and my daddy begged for info on how to get him back.. Meg said what about the adoptive family Stephanie.. I then cried back WHAT ABOUT ME NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! I'm not a selfish person at all... I didn't want to put them threw any pain or anguish. When I was in emotional pain this week I asked Matt.. if I wasn't allowed to be selfish.. Why does Cody's mom? It is not fare to me or Cody.
8 years into the adoption "game" and I still don't understand it all. I like to think I'm still learning. I don't believe I will ever "know it all" But this I don't know if I will ever ever understand. I'm trying but failing at it.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Status on My Update
Last week was a bit crazy for me, I have not been able to post a blog in a while. My lap top's hard drive almost crashed. Lucky me I have an incredibly talented husband that can fix most any computer!:) Yesterday the new hard drive was put in and we are up and running! Last week Lillian and I had sooo much we had to do or just did for errands sake. Now we are resting at home and going no where. If you don't watch the news then you would not know about the ICE storm that came our way last night. It is quite sucky! But what can one do?
Now on to the reason for this post. Last week I called Kirsh and Kirsh. I spoke with Laura again, by the grace of God Cody's mother is going to send me a update to Kirsh and Kirsh "in a few days". It looks like They moved to their farm in Indiana and changed their phone numbers. To say I was thrilled was a understatement. I jumped up and down on our new bed (oops) and when I spoke to Laura my heart was beating faster than it has in a long time. I embarrassingly enough said YEAHEYAH on the phone with her! But I don't care!:) Now I sit and wait for my up date.
I was also told that I can send Cody and his family Pictures, letters and cards. Which I worked on for two days. I had it all ready and sent it out on Friday. I did something grown up as I made my update. I also included what I know about Cody's Biological father with photo's "I borrowed off a friends Facebook page" Cody's Biological father and I have not spoke in almost four years. Which I think is the best for me. I let Kirsh and Kirsh know that I sent out Cody's update and politely asked if mine had come in yet. No update had arrived .
I now am so excited and eager to receive my update. I wonder what he looks like, what he is a fan of. What is he not a fan of. Does he like the same things I do or does he enjoy things his biological father does? Does he still talk about me or wonder about me? Does he have any idea how much I love him? I still wish I could see him and spend time with him. But I stupidly didn't speak up all those 8 years ago! So now I feel like these updates are all I can go on, until the day I can hopefully by the grace of God get to "meet him" again.
I pray and long for the day where I can once again hug him and have him in my life.
Pictures from my wedding day.. I felt Cody had to be there! He walked with me down to meet my husband! :) Just like the way I wanted!<3
Now on to the reason for this post. Last week I called Kirsh and Kirsh. I spoke with Laura again, by the grace of God Cody's mother is going to send me a update to Kirsh and Kirsh "in a few days". It looks like They moved to their farm in Indiana and changed their phone numbers. To say I was thrilled was a understatement. I jumped up and down on our new bed (oops) and when I spoke to Laura my heart was beating faster than it has in a long time. I embarrassingly enough said YEAHEYAH on the phone with her! But I don't care!:) Now I sit and wait for my up date.
I was also told that I can send Cody and his family Pictures, letters and cards. Which I worked on for two days. I had it all ready and sent it out on Friday. I did something grown up as I made my update. I also included what I know about Cody's Biological father with photo's "I borrowed off a friends Facebook page" Cody's Biological father and I have not spoke in almost four years. Which I think is the best for me. I let Kirsh and Kirsh know that I sent out Cody's update and politely asked if mine had come in yet. No update had arrived .
I now am so excited and eager to receive my update. I wonder what he looks like, what he is a fan of. What is he not a fan of. Does he like the same things I do or does he enjoy things his biological father does? Does he still talk about me or wonder about me? Does he have any idea how much I love him? I still wish I could see him and spend time with him. But I stupidly didn't speak up all those 8 years ago! So now I feel like these updates are all I can go on, until the day I can hopefully by the grace of God get to "meet him" again.
I pray and long for the day where I can once again hug him and have him in my life.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My adoption journey 2
How does a 18 year old girl go about preparing her self for birth? I had taken birthing classes you know the old shabang videos, pan flits, RN who wishes she was not in a "classroom" full of pregnant teenagers. I felt I was covered in that front. So I watched my favorite show at the time one of ABC's cruel jokes at love. I cried my eye's out. After the series finally was over I tried to go to bed. For that alarm clock aka mom would be coming to wake me for the COLD travel to the hospital. Seeing that I was pregnant and about to give birth, I could not sleep.
Morning time came too soon. Just like most mornings do when your pregnant and cant sleep. I got up got dressed and waddled to the bathroom. Looked into the mirror and had to look down for fear of the tears to start again. I brushed my teeth. Then tried to get my Puma's tied on my own... ha yeah right mom had to tie them for me. Then I got in my son's fathers vehical and headed to the hospital. (yes everyone packed my things in for me) We drove the 45 minute to hour drive to the hospital.'
Got to the pre op desk filled out paper work and then it was my turn to go to my labor and delivery room. I was wheeled or walked to my room( sorry my brain is fuzzy with that part) I was told to change into a ugly gown(ha) and lay in bed. After a while the RN came in and took my pallse, blood pressure (still high dang it). She then put a IV in my wrist and checked me. Three centameters I had been three centameters for a month. Latter she started my IV floids, Magnizium, and Pitocin. Not telling me much about the meds which to this day bothers me. My mom was with me thee entire time. She understood what was going on but didnt tell me much, but that the Magnizium will make you feel hot and even more tired. It was then that the Nurses aid did something that Neither my mom nor I knew why or what she was doing? She was padding my bed handels. Aperently when you have Pre-eclamsia as bad as I did you can have a seizer. The nurses and doctors didnt want me to hit my head if that happened. Oh joy thank you for that and warning me Doctors!
Soon after the bed padding they checked me again 4 cenameters. Im in full on labor, but they had to break my water. Such a strange feeling. Im joking when I say this the meds and water break made my contractions come, come fast and hard. My mom and son's father laughed at me because I could not help but clench everything threw thee contractions and my eyes got so big! I could not speek talk or think..The meds did exactly what my mom oventally told me they would... hot and felt like the room was spining. It was when one of the contractions stopped I could say mom I want meds and I want them now!! A nap would also be nice! It seems that I recall them checking me one time before I asked for the meds I think I went to a 7 maybe. Mom said that she would be down the hall for a bit..( dont to it mom stay stay your going to regret leaving me ;) ) A nother RN came in and said before your nap/ epidaril we will have to check you again. Then they would call the anistia dr. Well to my surprise when they did FINALLY check me I was at a 10!! I was litterly ready to push... I had my son's father page my mom and page her and page her.. She didnt get them in time becuse as she was walking back down to the room she say hospital personle rushing around running ect. She came in the room as I had done one small push.
Side note
Since my Doctor didnt think I would progress in 4 hours she was on her way to the hospital and completely missed my beautiful sons birth. Saying I had a fast delivery is an understatement. I was in labor for 4 hours pushed three good pushes and he was out.( I will leave out the pain parts) Sadly the cord was wrapped around his neck and was a bit blue. No worries tho the "doctor" got him out safely and stitched me up!
But was I ever afraid when no one told me of his blueness.. he didn't cry for a good 40 seconds. Thoes where some of the scariest seconds of my life. They bundled him up and handed him to me! At 10:14 am on January 21'st 2003 Cody Lee ? was born at 6 lb's 8 ounces and 18 inches long. Everything around me got quite. I could not hear a thing but instead staring at my son. My most beautiful birth son. I have NEVER seen such a beautiful boy in all of my life. He was perfect in every way. Latter I LET my mom, sons father and guest hold him! :)
I had lots and lots of guest which got me into some isues with a mean nurse at the hospital. I will never forget that lady!! Made me so sad! How ever I could of used that nurse later... I say this as a birth mother who was not ready to let go yet. So please don't think Im selfish. I had a guest at the said atorney's Kirsh and Kirsh. As soon as I saw his face I started crying I was not ready to sign yet. He wanted me to sign after giving birth maybe two hours latter? He aggreed to come back the next day.
I however can never stop thanking my family for staying with me at the hospital and never leveeing my side untill the late hours of the night! My mom, dad and both brothers came to the hospital! I wanted them to stay with me at the hospital for the rest of my stay to be honest! That night I let my son sleep in the nursery for about 4 hours... then I asked for help to the ladies room and wanted him back. I got some much needed sleep and had him the rest of my stay at the hospital. I cried if my mom left the room for some reason.. to this day I dont know why I did that!
The next day I got to shower whoo hooo! ha! Then I was moved to a different room. It was then That I signed the papers and agreed that the adoptive family should come and finally meet there son! They were so sweet and were so excited! We took sooo many pics the hole time at the hospital. Espically when they arrived. The looks on there face's was the best thing to see! Cody's mother realized that I loved to shop, brought me options for Cody to go home in. I got to pick his going home outfit! One thing that I never thought I would get the chance to do! They stayed for about two and a half hours and left. They left so I could get some sleep for the next day I was to go home. As soon as that hit me I could not stop crying. I prayed to God all night long. I begged and pleated for alot of things. But I remember my last plea was for me to try to put on a brave face. A brave face for everyone in the adoption plan.
The next morning I got another shower. I did my hair, put on makeup and even snuck some perfume! (i could not wear during pregnancy it due to my all day sickness) I wanted to look the best I could for going home pictures! I can litterly see in my mind what Im going to describe now. My mom wheeled in a wheel chair I carried my son Cody to the chair and they wheeled me to the end of the room and I said goodbyes to Cody as the rest of the room talked and shared. I told him I loved him more than I love my self. I then handed him to his new father Bob and said good bye and hugged all of Cody's new family. They then wheeled me to one end of the hall and Cody walked in a hospital crib bed thing. When I turned around as we were wheeling down the hall. I just saw the back of Bob. They were all smiles I amuse.
The drive home was ok per say... my mom let Cody's birth father drop me off at home while she piked up burger king for me and my pain meds.What she didn't know was that Cody's birth father dropped me off and left me alone. When my mom got home she did the typical Steph were are you? I sobbed on the coach! Where is he? He... left.. mee alone mom!:( ( my 26 year old heart breaks for 18 year old me... but know I now have a amazing man that would never leave my side unless I told him too haha) It was then God sent me a friend to come visit... I was involved in church alot before I got pregnant and thought all that were in that group with me forgot about me.... One didnt( I will say her name just becuse I still brag to her how awesome she is) Joanna Cambell and her mom Lisa came to visit me at my home and helped so much!( I did have alot of my gf's come and see me but this one stood out so Heather B, KK, LD, Lenell, Jess and Val thanks ladies) But this gf showed me the gift of God in her sweet eyes and I love her for that!
What happen the next few days were not my best few days... Its a big blur of tears and my parents forcing me to eat. I had a visit with my councilor. It was then My dad asked her what we had to do to get him back. Lucky for Cody and his family I no longer had any wrights to him seeing that we live in Indiana. I was crushed. It felt like my heart feel out of my chest everyday. I hurt and I cried I slept and sat alone if not for my parents. yeah you guessed it lovely birth father was MIA for for days post placement. Big surprise. Ok I said I would be nice, hey I tried.
I went back to school two weeks latter... still in mental and physical pain. I had no choice. Just like I had no choice of my pain I was going threw. The only real thing I remembered being said to me that first day back was "I thought you lose weight after you gave birth" (ass hole children sorry). The only thing that got me thew was knowing I would receive pics of Cody at the end of the week and at one month, three, five, seven, nine and a year old.
But after all the pain I felt threw this adoption I know I did what was best for my son. I didn't say much of my reasonings to place in this blog post but maybe I will one day! I now know that I did what was best for me! God wanted and helped me threw all this time! With out God and my family I don't know where I would of been!
My son will be 8 years old next month. It is still a hard day for me, but I love it all the same! God blessed me with the best day of my life( yes as is Lil's birth)
I love my little adopted angel boy Cody Lee!
Morning time came too soon. Just like most mornings do when your pregnant and cant sleep. I got up got dressed and waddled to the bathroom. Looked into the mirror and had to look down for fear of the tears to start again. I brushed my teeth. Then tried to get my Puma's tied on my own... ha yeah right mom had to tie them for me. Then I got in my son's fathers vehical and headed to the hospital. (yes everyone packed my things in for me) We drove the 45 minute to hour drive to the hospital.'
Got to the pre op desk filled out paper work and then it was my turn to go to my labor and delivery room. I was wheeled or walked to my room( sorry my brain is fuzzy with that part) I was told to change into a ugly gown(ha) and lay in bed. After a while the RN came in and took my pallse, blood pressure (still high dang it). She then put a IV in my wrist and checked me. Three centameters I had been three centameters for a month. Latter she started my IV floids, Magnizium, and Pitocin. Not telling me much about the meds which to this day bothers me. My mom was with me thee entire time. She understood what was going on but didnt tell me much, but that the Magnizium will make you feel hot and even more tired. It was then that the Nurses aid did something that Neither my mom nor I knew why or what she was doing? She was padding my bed handels. Aperently when you have Pre-eclamsia as bad as I did you can have a seizer. The nurses and doctors didnt want me to hit my head if that happened. Oh joy thank you for that and warning me Doctors!
Soon after the bed padding they checked me again 4 cenameters. Im in full on labor, but they had to break my water. Such a strange feeling. Im joking when I say this the meds and water break made my contractions come, come fast and hard. My mom and son's father laughed at me because I could not help but clench everything threw thee contractions and my eyes got so big! I could not speek talk or think..The meds did exactly what my mom oventally told me they would... hot and felt like the room was spining. It was when one of the contractions stopped I could say mom I want meds and I want them now!! A nap would also be nice! It seems that I recall them checking me one time before I asked for the meds I think I went to a 7 maybe. Mom said that she would be down the hall for a bit..( dont to it mom stay stay your going to regret leaving me ;) ) A nother RN came in and said before your nap/ epidaril we will have to check you again. Then they would call the anistia dr. Well to my surprise when they did FINALLY check me I was at a 10!! I was litterly ready to push... I had my son's father page my mom and page her and page her.. She didnt get them in time becuse as she was walking back down to the room she say hospital personle rushing around running ect. She came in the room as I had done one small push.
Side note
Since my Doctor didnt think I would progress in 4 hours she was on her way to the hospital and completely missed my beautiful sons birth. Saying I had a fast delivery is an understatement. I was in labor for 4 hours pushed three good pushes and he was out.( I will leave out the pain parts) Sadly the cord was wrapped around his neck and was a bit blue. No worries tho the "doctor" got him out safely and stitched me up!
But was I ever afraid when no one told me of his blueness.. he didn't cry for a good 40 seconds. Thoes where some of the scariest seconds of my life. They bundled him up and handed him to me! At 10:14 am on January 21'st 2003 Cody Lee ? was born at 6 lb's 8 ounces and 18 inches long. Everything around me got quite. I could not hear a thing but instead staring at my son. My most beautiful birth son. I have NEVER seen such a beautiful boy in all of my life. He was perfect in every way. Latter I LET my mom, sons father and guest hold him! :)
I had lots and lots of guest which got me into some isues with a mean nurse at the hospital. I will never forget that lady!! Made me so sad! How ever I could of used that nurse later... I say this as a birth mother who was not ready to let go yet. So please don't think Im selfish. I had a guest at the said atorney's Kirsh and Kirsh. As soon as I saw his face I started crying I was not ready to sign yet. He wanted me to sign after giving birth maybe two hours latter? He aggreed to come back the next day.
I however can never stop thanking my family for staying with me at the hospital and never leveeing my side untill the late hours of the night! My mom, dad and both brothers came to the hospital! I wanted them to stay with me at the hospital for the rest of my stay to be honest! That night I let my son sleep in the nursery for about 4 hours... then I asked for help to the ladies room and wanted him back. I got some much needed sleep and had him the rest of my stay at the hospital. I cried if my mom left the room for some reason.. to this day I dont know why I did that!
The next day I got to shower whoo hooo! ha! Then I was moved to a different room. It was then That I signed the papers and agreed that the adoptive family should come and finally meet there son! They were so sweet and were so excited! We took sooo many pics the hole time at the hospital. Espically when they arrived. The looks on there face's was the best thing to see! Cody's mother realized that I loved to shop, brought me options for Cody to go home in. I got to pick his going home outfit! One thing that I never thought I would get the chance to do! They stayed for about two and a half hours and left. They left so I could get some sleep for the next day I was to go home. As soon as that hit me I could not stop crying. I prayed to God all night long. I begged and pleated for alot of things. But I remember my last plea was for me to try to put on a brave face. A brave face for everyone in the adoption plan.
The next morning I got another shower. I did my hair, put on makeup and even snuck some perfume! (i could not wear during pregnancy it due to my all day sickness) I wanted to look the best I could for going home pictures! I can litterly see in my mind what Im going to describe now. My mom wheeled in a wheel chair I carried my son Cody to the chair and they wheeled me to the end of the room and I said goodbyes to Cody as the rest of the room talked and shared. I told him I loved him more than I love my self. I then handed him to his new father Bob and said good bye and hugged all of Cody's new family. They then wheeled me to one end of the hall and Cody walked in a hospital crib bed thing. When I turned around as we were wheeling down the hall. I just saw the back of Bob. They were all smiles I amuse.
The drive home was ok per say... my mom let Cody's birth father drop me off at home while she piked up burger king for me and my pain meds.What she didn't know was that Cody's birth father dropped me off and left me alone. When my mom got home she did the typical Steph were are you? I sobbed on the coach! Where is he? He... left.. mee alone mom!:( ( my 26 year old heart breaks for 18 year old me... but know I now have a amazing man that would never leave my side unless I told him too haha) It was then God sent me a friend to come visit... I was involved in church alot before I got pregnant and thought all that were in that group with me forgot about me.... One didnt( I will say her name just becuse I still brag to her how awesome she is) Joanna Cambell and her mom Lisa came to visit me at my home and helped so much!( I did have alot of my gf's come and see me but this one stood out so Heather B, KK, LD, Lenell, Jess and Val thanks ladies) But this gf showed me the gift of God in her sweet eyes and I love her for that!
What happen the next few days were not my best few days... Its a big blur of tears and my parents forcing me to eat. I had a visit with my councilor. It was then My dad asked her what we had to do to get him back. Lucky for Cody and his family I no longer had any wrights to him seeing that we live in Indiana. I was crushed. It felt like my heart feel out of my chest everyday. I hurt and I cried I slept and sat alone if not for my parents. yeah you guessed it lovely birth father was MIA for for days post placement. Big surprise. Ok I said I would be nice, hey I tried.
I went back to school two weeks latter... still in mental and physical pain. I had no choice. Just like I had no choice of my pain I was going threw. The only real thing I remembered being said to me that first day back was "I thought you lose weight after you gave birth" (ass hole children sorry). The only thing that got me thew was knowing I would receive pics of Cody at the end of the week and at one month, three, five, seven, nine and a year old.
But after all the pain I felt threw this adoption I know I did what was best for my son. I didn't say much of my reasonings to place in this blog post but maybe I will one day! I now know that I did what was best for me! God wanted and helped me threw all this time! With out God and my family I don't know where I would of been!
My son will be 8 years old next month. It is still a hard day for me, but I love it all the same! God blessed me with the best day of my life( yes as is Lil's birth)
I love my little adopted angel boy Cody Lee!
My adoption journey (before delivery and placement)
Growing up in the mid west(for most of my life), I was raised with all of my cousins together all the time. My Grandma or Mammaw and Grandpa or Pappaw Decker were a huge part of that growing up also always telling us how much they loved each and every one of us. On my mom's side we have 8 of us altogether and now many of us have children. I have one male cousin that I feel helped shape my personality the most, his name is Justin. Justin is now 31 years old with a son and a step son!! You would never know it in a thousand years but he and his sister are both adopted. I have known that he was adopted my entire life! My entire family loves them both unconditionally, we never talk about there adoptions but we have talked about there birth mothers gracious gifts to us! Our Justin and Carol Ann.
As you can guess as a a child I had a lot more understanding of adoption than your normal child. No I'm not adopted but I have always felt like adoption has always been in and apart of my heart. So as I was dating my son's father I told him... "if we ever get pregnant and are not married I will place our child for adoption" He being the man he is stuck to that and never let me forget it!( out of respect for my son I will not say his name and keep him out of this as much as I can, for this is My adoption journey)
In the summer of 2002 I became well aware that something in my body was not correct.. It started out as a funny reaction to tanning bed lights. Then on a family vacation I had a strange cold, headache, STRONG hunger, and the need to sleep alot! ( i slept alot as a teenager already) Well a few day's latter we boarded a ship for our Disney cruise... bad idea turns out if you are pregnant. The ship and I hated each other! Sea sick doesn't even begin to cover it! But on land I was my old self. When I got home for the most part I was back to normal just still tired. But two months latter or so I found out wile working out with my mom something was not correct. Two day's latter I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was indeed with child. I as you can guess was scared and worried. I had just turned 18... no I wasn't 16 and pregnant but I was young.
Latter on in the week my son's father came home from his family vacation. I sat him down ( he know something was up) and told him we are going to be parents plan and simple I'm PREGNANT! He took it ok... My father and his mother however did not!! But amazingly his dad and my dad wanted us to parent and not place our chld adoption like we wanted... but that is getting ahead of the story.
Two weeks latter my mom called the attorney's Kirsh and Kirsh. We met with Steve and told him our plan, thoughts and hopes. Two day's latter after paper work was sent back in etc I had Dear Birth mother letters sent to my home. We received about six packages that at the time looked like scrap books( what time that must of took) My mom, sons's father and I said ok look them over find your top favorites but don't tell each other( done separately mom and I then my sons's father and I) Mom and I picked thee same profile!:) My son's father didn't like them the best but they were a strong second. We decided we would call the attorney's in the coming day's.
A few days latter I had my first Obgyn visit and ultra sound. I had no idea how far along I was, so I was in shock as was my mom, she went with me(sons father to busy insert eye roll) that I was three and a quarter months pregnant. Due January 24th 2003. I thought it was quite a regal due date!? Latter that month I decided to call Kirsh and Kirsh and say I found my child's parents!! I was so excited and proud that I made a strong desison for my child and myself. I told one of the "Kirsh boys"You can tell them but I need another week to pray, after that time we would like to meet them! All long after meeting with Kirsh and Kirsh boy's I started going threw counselling with my new friend Meg... I was scared of her a bit to be honest! But in the long run I grew to love and respect her! I met with her every month ta two weeks.
A few weeks latter I met my son's adoptive parents to be... We met at Stake N Shake.(CRAAAAVING IT0:) ) My mom, my sons father and myself. With there biological daughter in tow. We knew what they looked like but to them we were a mystery. I was so tiny and they had a hard time finding us!:) I sat at the head of the table( I kinda like teenage me for sitting there like I WAS IN CHARGE HERE) We sat and talked and ate... talked about likes dislikes, birth plans etc. I feel like my sons adoptive parents to be didn't know what to think of the meeting me. Scared that I would not place at all! But I already had it in my head that they were picked. All along I had a secret that I hadn't let slip yet and neither did my "family" I found out the day before I was carrying a boy!! When My son's mother and sister went to the bathroom my son's adoptive father asked me may I ask if you know what your having? I had a pregnant pause and told him as his wife and daughter arrived its a BOY! (I was so happy to be carrying a boy having all brothers even tho I thought he was going to be a girl ha) His mother said "excuse me did you say your having a boy?!" "WE ALL SURE ARE, HAVING A BOY" It was then I said I would like you to be his parents(patting my belly) with tears in my eyes. They hugged each other and cried along with me.
When I picked my sons parents June and Bob.. it was at that moment I feel my mom found a new great friend! They are both RN's and are so passionate about the Lord! They would talk on the phone alot... when I felt like I could not talk much. After the meeting at that Stake N Shake( which I cant eat in that exact restaurant for fear of crying anymore haha) I felt regret, fear, pain and the feeling that I lost my son... It was the hardest months of my life carrying him!! I became very very sick with Pre-eclampsia, not to forget how sad and depressed I had become. Until my mom reminded me you haven't placed yet and you have this time with him and only this time enjoy it. With the holidays fast approaching I looked to time with family friends and my senior year. At about 6 moths or so I was put on bed rest to only go to school... did I listen? Not so well I wish I had!
Its so amazing that love you have for a child growing in your womb. One thing that I thank God he gave to me when he did. May it not be at the time I thought it was. I was and still am thee proudest birth mothers you will ever meet!
More to come on the delivery and placement this evening.
As you can guess as a a child I had a lot more understanding of adoption than your normal child. No I'm not adopted but I have always felt like adoption has always been in and apart of my heart. So as I was dating my son's father I told him... "if we ever get pregnant and are not married I will place our child for adoption" He being the man he is stuck to that and never let me forget it!( out of respect for my son I will not say his name and keep him out of this as much as I can, for this is My adoption journey)
In the summer of 2002 I became well aware that something in my body was not correct.. It started out as a funny reaction to tanning bed lights. Then on a family vacation I had a strange cold, headache, STRONG hunger, and the need to sleep alot! ( i slept alot as a teenager already) Well a few day's latter we boarded a ship for our Disney cruise... bad idea turns out if you are pregnant. The ship and I hated each other! Sea sick doesn't even begin to cover it! But on land I was my old self. When I got home for the most part I was back to normal just still tired. But two months latter or so I found out wile working out with my mom something was not correct. Two day's latter I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was indeed with child. I as you can guess was scared and worried. I had just turned 18... no I wasn't 16 and pregnant but I was young.
Latter on in the week my son's father came home from his family vacation. I sat him down ( he know something was up) and told him we are going to be parents plan and simple I'm PREGNANT! He took it ok... My father and his mother however did not!! But amazingly his dad and my dad wanted us to parent and not place our chld adoption like we wanted... but that is getting ahead of the story.
Two weeks latter my mom called the attorney's Kirsh and Kirsh. We met with Steve and told him our plan, thoughts and hopes. Two day's latter after paper work was sent back in etc I had Dear Birth mother letters sent to my home. We received about six packages that at the time looked like scrap books( what time that must of took) My mom, sons's father and I said ok look them over find your top favorites but don't tell each other( done separately mom and I then my sons's father and I) Mom and I picked thee same profile!:) My son's father didn't like them the best but they were a strong second. We decided we would call the attorney's in the coming day's.
A few days latter I had my first Obgyn visit and ultra sound. I had no idea how far along I was, so I was in shock as was my mom, she went with me(sons father to busy insert eye roll) that I was three and a quarter months pregnant. Due January 24th 2003. I thought it was quite a regal due date!? Latter that month I decided to call Kirsh and Kirsh and say I found my child's parents!! I was so excited and proud that I made a strong desison for my child and myself. I told one of the "Kirsh boys"You can tell them but I need another week to pray, after that time we would like to meet them! All long after meeting with Kirsh and Kirsh boy's I started going threw counselling with my new friend Meg... I was scared of her a bit to be honest! But in the long run I grew to love and respect her! I met with her every month ta two weeks.
A few weeks latter I met my son's adoptive parents to be... We met at Stake N Shake.(CRAAAAVING IT0:) ) My mom, my sons father and myself. With there biological daughter in tow. We knew what they looked like but to them we were a mystery. I was so tiny and they had a hard time finding us!:) I sat at the head of the table( I kinda like teenage me for sitting there like I WAS IN CHARGE HERE) We sat and talked and ate... talked about likes dislikes, birth plans etc. I feel like my sons adoptive parents to be didn't know what to think of the meeting me. Scared that I would not place at all! But I already had it in my head that they were picked. All along I had a secret that I hadn't let slip yet and neither did my "family" I found out the day before I was carrying a boy!! When My son's mother and sister went to the bathroom my son's adoptive father asked me may I ask if you know what your having? I had a pregnant pause and told him as his wife and daughter arrived its a BOY! (I was so happy to be carrying a boy having all brothers even tho I thought he was going to be a girl ha) His mother said "excuse me did you say your having a boy?!" "WE ALL SURE ARE, HAVING A BOY" It was then I said I would like you to be his parents(patting my belly) with tears in my eyes. They hugged each other and cried along with me.
When I picked my sons parents June and Bob.. it was at that moment I feel my mom found a new great friend! They are both RN's and are so passionate about the Lord! They would talk on the phone alot... when I felt like I could not talk much. After the meeting at that Stake N Shake( which I cant eat in that exact restaurant for fear of crying anymore haha) I felt regret, fear, pain and the feeling that I lost my son... It was the hardest months of my life carrying him!! I became very very sick with Pre-eclampsia, not to forget how sad and depressed I had become. Until my mom reminded me you haven't placed yet and you have this time with him and only this time enjoy it. With the holidays fast approaching I looked to time with family friends and my senior year. At about 6 moths or so I was put on bed rest to only go to school... did I listen? Not so well I wish I had!
We invited June and Katie( my son's big sister) to a few of my appointments. I regret it now but I was a bit stand offish and quite to them. But in all honesty it was out of jeliousy! I wanted to be them excited, becoming a mommy with a family and baby showers. I was nice don't get me wrong. But I would cry and cry every time I saw them. June knew I was sick and could tell I was over being sick and not reaping any of the benefits. June got to go to one of the ultrasounds too! Finally the ultra sound Technion was polite to me. After I introduced June as "this little guy's mom" She and I cried when we saw him and later both went home with ultra sound pictures.
The holiday's came and we talked to the agency and June and Bob on what I wanted. I wanted my mom and son's father in the delivery room. I was going to keep my son with me the entire time at the hospital. June and Bob may come to visit but not to stay. As soon as I was ready I would sign the papers for the adoption. When I was set to go home, and my son was set to go home that is when they would be handed my little boy! Late January my Pre-eclampsia took its toll on me, my doctors said we need to get him out. He has grown enough and you cant take much more( I didn't want him to be out but I wanted to feel some what alive) So on January the 17th (a Friday) my doctors said you will be induced on Tuesday January 21'st EARLY in the am. I argued with my Doctor and mom... its to soon its too soon he isn't due till the 24th! It was then that I was told Steph he has to come out your sick its life or death situation. I then agreed... upset but was told you will feel so much better after you deliver him. While we were leaving I my doctor guess I will see you in four days. She pulled me aside and said Stephanie I know this is so hard on you... but you can see in your stuburn eyes that your done and cant take much else. It was then I looked her in the eye and said " you'd be surprised what this little body can take" When you love something so much that you can have you have got to hold on to it as tight and stuburn as you can!
Its so amazing that love you have for a child growing in your womb. One thing that I thank God he gave to me when he did. May it not be at the time I thought it was. I was and still am thee proudest birth mothers you will ever meet!
More to come on the delivery and placement this evening.
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