My opinion and views on 16 and Pregnant Adoption Special

700,300  teen girls get pregnant in America each year and 1% choose adoption..  As Dr. Drew pointed out. He also pointed out in factual way that most teen mothers they choose adoption go farther in life, and with their education. Its not a secret that I love both shows! But I still do have my own opinion.

As a Birth mother I have been drawn to the three young woman that placed there children on the show 16 and Pregnant Catelynn, Ashley and Lori(Lori could not make it but, my feelings are that she was pushed rather hard into adoption). Once I got word that MTV was having the adoption special I knew I had to watch. I in many ways can relate with the young ladies and in other way's my son's adoption was completely different.

I loved that MTV did not candy coat any part of the adoption process or  the emotions that go along with adoption and Birth families pain. He also touched on the emotions that the adoptive parents go threw. Dr. Drew is a extremely smart and caring man.  Many times in the show he got very emotional.
I however don't feel that the show can ever fully show what Birth mothers go through and the pain we feel. It is a life long decision that we must live threw and not just threw our teens and twenty's but till the day we pass on.

 My favorite part of the show besides seeing  the beautiful babies and how they have grown,  Dawn who is Catelynn's adoption counselor discussed adoption language which makes my heart swoon like it did when I first saw Joey Mcintyre from NKOTB;). My largest pet peeve is when people say I gave up my son.. It is not gave up.. I PLACED MY SON FOR ADOPTION. I have never ever in my life given up on my son nor have any lovely Birth Mother I know have.

The strength and heart it takes to place your child for adoption is with out words... But to do it on national television where people can ridicule you is another thing. I wish that I could meet these girls and thank them for putting a face to being a birth mother and getting the word out there. If you are a birth mother, know a birth mother or have a birth mother give them a hug and just tell them Thank You!

Im not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much

At 17 years old I had no idea what infertility even really was, I just knew that some women could have children and some could not. When I did get pregnant, in a unplanned kind of way. I did have a tug at my heart for the people that could not make a family on their own. But it was not my major reason for placement.  

When I found out about my own infertility this past year I have to say I was beyond surprised. Never for one second did I feel mad that I lovingly placed my son for adoption, and now I cant get pregnant. I have always seen it as two different times in my life. But what I do not understand is how my thyroid was the same thyroid. But now it works differently.

My family doctors, OBGYN Etc have always been surprised when they tested my thyroid in the past. It has always came back normal..I have always been a small person.. skinny I guess you can say, I HAVE NEVER had normal menstrual cycles. I did gymnastics and didn't have periods often for many years. I have always heard you must just have a fast metabolism.(so side note I was 90 lbs when I got pregnant so I don't for a second think thinlyness has anything to do with not getting pregnant)  Once I started seeing our RE. I then got the answer I was not expecting. My nurse this winter told me that when I was diagnosed my "numbers" were in the triple the number that the doctor likes to see. Which there for can mean I was either not ovulating when I thought I was or at all. ( I know when I ovulate tho.. I know strange)

I recall one day at my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Cody.. it was a normal emotional I'm pregnant and am placing my baby day. I saw a nice looking sweet lady staring at my LARGE belly..and she began to cry.. I sat in my uncomfortable chair and looked at my mom.. as to say what do I do? I did what my heart does best .." are you ok sweety"? NO was her reply. I asked what was wrong and I got a "I cant have babies!!" I then told her my story which made us both cry. I make friends fast.. but I have never in my life met some one in public like that and had such a strong painful reaction.I could almost feel her pain and my pain at once. I will never forget that lady! Now I sit here 8 years latter and I am that lady that cries in the OBGYN office.. and yes in the waiting area once... OK twice. But I'm not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much. Do I understand it, no. BUT I'M NOT BITTER.

 I still do however have hope that God may give us another child/children either from IVF or Adoption once more!

I'm not a medical professional so don't take my words to knowing much medical knowledge.

Well Im not a good blogger.. apparently

Here it is.. If you follow me on Twitter or maybe even Facebook then you have seen this picture but still cute nun the less. Isn't he just THE CUTEST? ;)

So It took a long long time but I got my up date almost two months after I KINDLY asked for it.. But I still got it March 4th. Enclosed with the update was a three page letter and one picture. You know to catch me up on three years.
Cody and I have many things in common!:) We are both large fans of baseball, the color green, pasta, Star Wars( which he says rocks)<yes it does,Cookies and Pasta.
Cody goes on to ask me 8 questions. He is so smart and sweet. He thinks that we look alike.. boy is he correct! I have wrote back a few times with more questions and cards with no response. But Im going to keep sending them!  It was all worth seeing his sweet face and reading about him! It sadly looks like I have passed my learning disability on to him ( Dyslexia). But I know he will strive and grow to be an incredible man!

Birth Mothers Day and Mothers Day are on the horizon and make me weepy and miss him even more! All the pain, scars and grief are worth it to see him in  good home with two parents and big sister that love him!

I have been thinking about writing a blog entry  on being a birth mother and going threw infertility.. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or how to word it.. but if you know me on Twitter and read this let me know what your thoughts are!
I hope all of my girls are doing OK with this week! We all have our own story around mothers day that doesn't just involve infertility! Being infertile in a fertile world is so lonely I'm so glad I have my #hope girls! Your all on my heart!

                     Me my mom and Cody on the Day Cody met his parents and big sister!<3

                         Happy Birth mothers Day and Mothers Day to Lillian's Birth Mother A.J.!<3

Every night I pray.. lastnight I prayed

Every night I pray I pray for a lot of things. But last nights prayer involved me ask/ tell God I know that we have all been working hard on getting me my update. God I need a sign I need to know if Cody's Mom will be sending me a update or not. Knowing good and well while praying this that I could not be getting an update at all.

Well this am I got up, took my thyroid pill, fed the pup, let him out, got Lillian out of her pile of stuffed animals she slept on and made her breakfast. When Lillian was eating I started a load of laundry. Nothing special just an average morning at my house. After I started a load of whites I  was caring  the empty basket to my closet, but I got stopped in my tracks from a phone call. I said to Matt "be Kirsh and Kirsh be Kirsh and Kirsh".

As I picked up the phone I heard a VERY familiar voice.. " Hello this is Steve Kirsh is this Stephanie"? I was SHOCKED our lawyer was calling ME! I said "Yes this is her, Hello Steve" He then goes on to tell me that he spoke (finally) with Cody's mom. He also tell's me that he had to do some digging/ research to find their home number. If you recall Cody's mother has been with holding their home phone number. Come to find out it looks as if both of Cody's parents are retired and have other jobs now. This is were the conversation got real real interesting. Steve spoke with Cody's Mom asking that we had been in contact with her in January for an update and wanted to know where it was. She tells him that this up date is just a courteous update.. Steve's answer to that was what do you mean? "Well after the age of 5 my obligation to send update's is up" Steve was not happy with this comment. "Yes you are correct" "I guess it is a courteous if that is what you want to call it" I could tell in the tone of Steve's voice he was so not happy with her. He later asks her why she hasn't sent the update any way..? She tell's him she has been working 6 day's a week. This is where Steve should pull out super lawyer cape..." That isn't a excuse". He goes on to ask when " Stephanie should be expecting her up date"? She latter tell's him she will try to get it out by the end of the week.

Steve doesn't have much hope in his voice at this point to think she will do it at all! But many many times Steve told me in our conversation that he is very disappointed in them and their actions. I told him they have changed so much in the 8 years that I picked them to be my son's parents.. I don't even know them any more.

At this point I'm not surprised by what was said. But what does make me the most mad is Cody's mother is not thinking of me or I feel Cody. It feels like she is making strong strides to keep us apart. It is hart breaking to feel that way. I gave you MY life, my heart, my ALL. Everything I HAD in the WORLD. To be latter treated like last weeks trash and tossed to the curb. I'm not trash. I'm his Birth mother. If she doesn't think I should be able to see him, Then my heart and I know WE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Words cant explain how much that boy means to me. I will do what it takes to see him. (abiding the law of course)

BUT I have said it once I will say it a million times I have the best representation ever. I thank God so much for sending me Kirsh and Kirsh to help guide me and teach me what REAL adoption professionals do!

We will see what this story/conversation brings us. I'm hoping and praying for the best! But God sure did give me a sign a large sparkley sign with my name on it.

On a happy note I had my thyroid tested again for our next IVF and it is doing well!:) Way to go little engine that could!
 please comment and let me know what you think!

Loads of love and Thank you for reading
Stephanie

Losing Hope from Jack Johnson

Im a big fan of Jack Johnson and his music has always spoke to me. I listened to him in my Van this morning, after I loaded my Ipod music to the Van's hard drive! How cool is that... If you like a very peaceful, beachy sound you will love this song. Take a listen... Im not losing hope in my update or fertility. But like the song says its easy! Bless you all have a great Monday : /

                                 I miss Hawaii more and more each and every day! Jack Johnson is from Hawaii, I was so sad that I didnt get to meet him there ;) Mahlo my lovely Hawaii!

Going on more than a month and still NO UPDATE

So this week I spoke with Kirsh and Kirsh two times. I called and spoke to Lauren the Corresponding specialist on Wednesday. She said that they still hadn't heard anything from Cody's mom or revived my update to hold for pick up or mail to me. Lauren only has the info on Cody and his family that Cody's mother is willing to share. At this point in time that is just her personal email and address. She is obviously not responding to the last emails (three I think). Lauren then tells me she is going to have Steve (my favorite of my two lawyers but shhh don't tell) write a letter and send to Cody's mom and dad, in  few days if they haven't contacted them back. I called back Friday with some hope in my heart that I think God put there just for this reason. Lauren and Steve are composing a letter this week to send to Cody's family.. Hopefully that puts a fire under there butts.


Today in Mass I learned that we should always forgive those that do us wrong and turn the other cheek. Which I know to be true with out hearing it. But I needed to hear it. I don't know why Cody's mom isn't sending my update, so I'm trying to be understanding and not mad about this situation. It is so hard to do so.. but I'm trying.


Ever since my first letters and cards to Cody (and his a family) I have worried that what I write, feel or express may hurt Cody or his family.. I also have felt like I may confuse or worry them. When I write to them I want them to know that what I'm writing is how I feel and what I want to say to my son. Yes I think about his family. But our letters are our letters. I don't get to see or speak with my son. Not by my choice, but writing is my only communication to him. I have decided that even if Cody's family doesn't send me an update I will continue to write and send letters/ cards. Even if I can't see him he will know my love for him!  For my love is so strong for him.. and that is the ONLY reason I stopped being selfish thinking about my self and thought about him and his needs. 


I have talked/wrote a bit about what I'm going to write now so please read past blogs, if need be.
When I placed Cody I thought I was ready for what was going to happen and what I was going to feel. But truth be told I had no idea what I would feel. When I was at home for the two weeks after (till I went back to HS hell) I wanted him back. I wanted him back bad.. I wasn't thinking of his family or his biological father. I was thinking about CODY AND I for once. I wanted to do what I had to do to get him back. But I never had the $ or power. When I had my counseling with Meg(see other blogs) I cried and my daddy begged for info on how to get him back.. Meg said what about the adoptive family Stephanie.. I then cried back WHAT ABOUT ME NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! I'm not a selfish person at all... I didn't want to put them threw any pain or anguish. When I was in emotional pain this week I asked Matt.. if I wasn't allowed to be selfish.. Why does Cody's mom? It is not fare to me or Cody.

8 years into the adoption "game" and I still don't understand it all. I like to think I'm still learning. I don't believe I will ever "know it all"  But this I don't know if I will ever ever understand. I'm trying  but failing at it.

Are you Infertile? Could you use a little Hope put in to your day?

http://notafertilemyrtle.blogspot.com/2011/02/terrific-tuesday-giveaway_15.html

Go to my friend Suzy's page and enter to win thee cutest #HOPE bracelet! I know I'm entering as many times as I can! I want that bracelet and I want it bad!