Im not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much

At 17 years old I had no idea what infertility even really was, I just knew that some women could have children and some could not. When I did get pregnant, in a unplanned kind of way. I did have a tug at my heart for the people that could not make a family on their own. But it was not my major reason for placement.  

When I found out about my own infertility this past year I have to say I was beyond surprised. Never for one second did I feel mad that I lovingly placed my son for adoption, and now I cant get pregnant. I have always seen it as two different times in my life. But what I do not understand is how my thyroid was the same thyroid. But now it works differently.

My family doctors, OBGYN Etc have always been surprised when they tested my thyroid in the past. It has always came back normal..I have always been a small person.. skinny I guess you can say, I HAVE NEVER had normal menstrual cycles. I did gymnastics and didn't have periods often for many years. I have always heard you must just have a fast metabolism.(so side note I was 90 lbs when I got pregnant so I don't for a second think thinlyness has anything to do with not getting pregnant)  Once I started seeing our RE. I then got the answer I was not expecting. My nurse this winter told me that when I was diagnosed my "numbers" were in the triple the number that the doctor likes to see. Which there for can mean I was either not ovulating when I thought I was or at all. ( I know when I ovulate tho.. I know strange)

I recall one day at my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Cody.. it was a normal emotional I'm pregnant and am placing my baby day. I saw a nice looking sweet lady staring at my LARGE belly..and she began to cry.. I sat in my uncomfortable chair and looked at my mom.. as to say what do I do? I did what my heart does best .." are you ok sweety"? NO was her reply. I asked what was wrong and I got a "I cant have babies!!" I then told her my story which made us both cry. I make friends fast.. but I have never in my life met some one in public like that and had such a strong painful reaction.I could almost feel her pain and my pain at once. I will never forget that lady! Now I sit here 8 years latter and I am that lady that cries in the OBGYN office.. and yes in the waiting area once... OK twice. But I'm not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much. Do I understand it, no. BUT I'M NOT BITTER.

 I still do however have hope that God may give us another child/children either from IVF or Adoption once more!

I'm not a medical professional so don't take my words to knowing much medical knowledge.

Well Im not a good blogger.. apparently

Here it is.. If you follow me on Twitter or maybe even Facebook then you have seen this picture but still cute nun the less. Isn't he just THE CUTEST? ;)

So It took a long long time but I got my up date almost two months after I KINDLY asked for it.. But I still got it March 4th. Enclosed with the update was a three page letter and one picture. You know to catch me up on three years.
Cody and I have many things in common!:) We are both large fans of baseball, the color green, pasta, Star Wars( which he says rocks)<yes it does,Cookies and Pasta.
Cody goes on to ask me 8 questions. He is so smart and sweet. He thinks that we look alike.. boy is he correct! I have wrote back a few times with more questions and cards with no response. But Im going to keep sending them!  It was all worth seeing his sweet face and reading about him! It sadly looks like I have passed my learning disability on to him ( Dyslexia). But I know he will strive and grow to be an incredible man!

Birth Mothers Day and Mothers Day are on the horizon and make me weepy and miss him even more! All the pain, scars and grief are worth it to see him in  good home with two parents and big sister that love him!

I have been thinking about writing a blog entry  on being a birth mother and going threw infertility.. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or how to word it.. but if you know me on Twitter and read this let me know what your thoughts are!
I hope all of my girls are doing OK with this week! We all have our own story around mothers day that doesn't just involve infertility! Being infertile in a fertile world is so lonely I'm so glad I have my #hope girls! Your all on my heart!

                     Me my mom and Cody on the Day Cody met his parents and big sister!<3

                         Happy Birth mothers Day and Mothers Day to Lillian's Birth Mother A.J.!<3