So last night at my friend Jon's funeral I was talking with my bf Josh and his wife April.. turns out Josh potty trained their daughter K in two weeks. Im jealous with envy and I need this to happen.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The one where we try to potty train Lillian by Christmas(ish)
Ok Im in one of my Stephanie moods.. typical me have a hard day/sad day and I get all empowered.
So last night at my friend Jon's funeral I was talking with my bf Josh and his wife April.. turns out Josh potty trained their daughter K in two weeks. Im jealous with envy and I need this to happen.
So Im giving my self a challenge Lillian and I(yes I, after all I'm part of the problem) will be potty trained by Christmas! So every one hold on for a bumpy mess and we WILL DO THIS! Please send Lillian and I your support this could get messy and ugly! So today November 8th starts officially officially potty training! shoot even send me advice as I haven't done this with my own child EVER!
Love "Lil's" and "Stepher's"
So last night at my friend Jon's funeral I was talking with my bf Josh and his wife April.. turns out Josh potty trained their daughter K in two weeks. Im jealous with envy and I need this to happen.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Suprise Update
Hello all! It has been a while since my last post, yet not that long ago I was telling you about my hope being restored! Days after I posted about my Hope being restored I got my 5th tattoo (yes I said 5th) here is a little picture of it!
The picture was taken right after I had my tattoo done at the shop. It is located below my bra line on my left side. I wanted this tattoo for a few months and thought and thought of its placement. I did it so when my hope is deep down and low I can rub my tattoo with my right hand.. it is also located on the same side of my body as my tattoo of Lillian and Cody's name!
Speaking of that handsome birth son of mine, I sent him two cards in late September with a letter hand written to his mother. One of his cards was a I hope you had a great summer, welcome back to school(even tho I know you would rather be swimming and playing baseball) card, the other a Sponge Bob Halloween card. In the letter to his mom I said if you would ever want to send me up dates or pictures I would be more than happy to take them!:) I asked about his testing he had done in March for Dyslexia. I can't quite recall if I have ever mentioned this before but, I have the learning disabilities Dyslexia and ADD.
To my GREAT SURPRISE I was woken up from my nap by Matt saying "you got mail you may want to get up for this" He saw mail from our adoption agency and didn't know if it was for ME or us as a family.. so he opened it! Which I was more than fine with.. To our surprise it was a update! Filled with a beautiful drawing Cody made for me, a letter form his mother and a beautiful picture of Cody!:) My boy made ME a picture!! Im working on getting it framed for our bed room! I have NEVER had my son make me a picture.. he is almost 9 now but I will take that picture for all it is worth!( since Lillian is two this i my first I made a picture for my mom picture ever) :) Im so proud of my Cody!! But sadly I got the news I was not wanting to hear. Cody tested positive for a reading and matt learning disability.
When I was trying to find Cody the perfect parents, I let his parents know a head of time that I have my disabilities and want him tested as soon/ as early as they can. I know from my life experience the sooner it is diagnoses the better his education out come can be. I told them your going have to "ride" him about school! We want this boy to go on to be the best him... that be collage, a trade what ever his heart desires!
While talking with Matt over dinner I asked him an out of the box question... I wonder what Cody's mom ( we can call her Summer) had to say about the drawing. For it has me and Cody in the picture. As you can guess my mind went to the place of was she mad, up set. Also of course does he want to actually meet me? I feel all of my thoughts and feelings are normal.
I was just so shocked and surpised by receiving my up date! I miss my Cod man every day, this update effects me so much! Im not sure his mom, Summer has any idea. I know I only spent nine-ten months and two days in the hospital and one "visit" but I do I really do miss him loads and loads. I keep thanking God for this update. I feel like I can't stop Thanking him enough.
I hope you all have a great weekend! Tomorrow is our nieces formal. We get to go watch her get her hair done and take pictures. Sadly my class mates brother passed Wednesday(he was a class above me) so Saturday We are going to a bf in his oner to raise money for his children and Monday is his funeral.
Im sure your waiting to see it so here is Cody's picture from my update! Oh the change a few months has made on Summer! Thank you Jesus! Ps don't I make cute babies;)
The picture was taken right after I had my tattoo done at the shop. It is located below my bra line on my left side. I wanted this tattoo for a few months and thought and thought of its placement. I did it so when my hope is deep down and low I can rub my tattoo with my right hand.. it is also located on the same side of my body as my tattoo of Lillian and Cody's name!
Speaking of that handsome birth son of mine, I sent him two cards in late September with a letter hand written to his mother. One of his cards was a I hope you had a great summer, welcome back to school(even tho I know you would rather be swimming and playing baseball) card, the other a Sponge Bob Halloween card. In the letter to his mom I said if you would ever want to send me up dates or pictures I would be more than happy to take them!:) I asked about his testing he had done in March for Dyslexia. I can't quite recall if I have ever mentioned this before but, I have the learning disabilities Dyslexia and ADD.
To my GREAT SURPRISE I was woken up from my nap by Matt saying "you got mail you may want to get up for this" He saw mail from our adoption agency and didn't know if it was for ME or us as a family.. so he opened it! Which I was more than fine with.. To our surprise it was a update! Filled with a beautiful drawing Cody made for me, a letter form his mother and a beautiful picture of Cody!:) My boy made ME a picture!! Im working on getting it framed for our bed room! I have NEVER had my son make me a picture.. he is almost 9 now but I will take that picture for all it is worth!( since Lillian is two this i my first I made a picture for my mom picture ever) :) Im so proud of my Cody!! But sadly I got the news I was not wanting to hear. Cody tested positive for a reading and matt learning disability.
When I was trying to find Cody the perfect parents, I let his parents know a head of time that I have my disabilities and want him tested as soon/ as early as they can. I know from my life experience the sooner it is diagnoses the better his education out come can be. I told them your going have to "ride" him about school! We want this boy to go on to be the best him... that be collage, a trade what ever his heart desires!
While talking with Matt over dinner I asked him an out of the box question... I wonder what Cody's mom ( we can call her Summer) had to say about the drawing. For it has me and Cody in the picture. As you can guess my mind went to the place of was she mad, up set. Also of course does he want to actually meet me? I feel all of my thoughts and feelings are normal.
I was just so shocked and surpised by receiving my up date! I miss my Cod man every day, this update effects me so much! Im not sure his mom, Summer has any idea. I know I only spent nine-ten months and two days in the hospital and one "visit" but I do I really do miss him loads and loads. I keep thanking God for this update. I feel like I can't stop Thanking him enough.
I hope you all have a great weekend! Tomorrow is our nieces formal. We get to go watch her get her hair done and take pictures. Sadly my class mates brother passed Wednesday(he was a class above me) so Saturday We are going to a bf in his oner to raise money for his children and Monday is his funeral.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I have a strong faith in my God
Well Hello Ladies
Well We finally got to do our second IVF in September till October 12th. sadly we never made it to transfer. When I'm strong enough emotionally I will write more about that latter.
As you can guess Wednesday, Thursday and Friday have been some pretty hard and dark days. We have leaned on God, our family, friends and my twitter girls for strength and encouragement. This being our last attempt to do a IVF cycle. I was gutted. I have gone threw all the emotions I didn't know I would feel. But some I could see coming.
I was ready to give it all up.. evening trying to convince my husband that I needed a Garage sale today. right now get all of the baby things out of our home! But all along since we have been trying to make a baby. (it will be four years in December) I have always told God I want his will to be done. The past three days.. I just kept praying and asking for God to just take it take it all... get all of this IVF TTC talk away, out make me, me again.
Well tonight I was fixing dinner for Matt and I while Lillian played... I had left my lap top open and walked away like I often do. Well My aunt that lives Idaho sent me a message. She is tells me that she is wanting to foster care a young man threw a placement group in Idaho(again she has done it for many years). She also tells me she saw a little boy whom is 8 months old with some special needs that is ready to be placed. My aunt did not to my knowledge know about what had just happened to us. My breath was taken away first by the little boys beautiful face and page written about him, that she directed me to. But Then I thought how did she know... HOW DID SHE KNOW?
Latter as dinner is ready with help from Dinner by Designee. Matt and I sit down for a nice meal. I told him about what my aunt had sent me. How I felt, told him of how beautiful his soul looked threw his big BLUE eyes. Matt begins to tell me a story that some were down the line one of Matt's closest friends family members did IVF and are super pregnant and everything is going well. I surprisingly didn't get my Stephanie attitude that I normally would get under my breath "ohh great for them" But instead I listened to the rest of what Matt had to say. This couple has a LOT of embryos left (how many is a lot I have no clue) they are wanting to adopt the embryos to someone that WANTS THEM (oh oh oh ME ME ME PICK ME);)
I guess Matt's friend wanted to tell Matt the story last Friday but did not know were our egg retrieval would go, and how it would make hime feel. But he told him he would be willing to share the story now if he was willing to listen. So they talked about how it has been the past few days etc. Matt tells him to find out more info for us and pass it along and we will talk about it.
We still have my What the hell happened appointment on Thursday and we plan on taking our time and really talking with Doctor Colver. About what we can do, how we feel, tell him how much we love him and his nurse etc.
I feel as if God has sent this all to me for a reason. I'm not saying its our miracle #2 or that anything can happen from any of it! But I truly feel that God is the only reason anything happens. I feel he loves me and has the lead. Come what may tonight in the span of 30 minuets God has restored my Hope in having another baby.
I am so very thankful for My wonderful husband my world, our beautiful baby girl, our mothers, and all family members our friends, and my twitter bodyguards;) You all mean so much to me!! Thank you all!!
Well We finally got to do our second IVF in September till October 12th. sadly we never made it to transfer. When I'm strong enough emotionally I will write more about that latter.
As you can guess Wednesday, Thursday and Friday have been some pretty hard and dark days. We have leaned on God, our family, friends and my twitter girls for strength and encouragement. This being our last attempt to do a IVF cycle. I was gutted. I have gone threw all the emotions I didn't know I would feel. But some I could see coming.
I was ready to give it all up.. evening trying to convince my husband that I needed a Garage sale today. right now get all of the baby things out of our home! But all along since we have been trying to make a baby. (it will be four years in December) I have always told God I want his will to be done. The past three days.. I just kept praying and asking for God to just take it take it all... get all of this IVF TTC talk away, out make me, me again.
Well tonight I was fixing dinner for Matt and I while Lillian played... I had left my lap top open and walked away like I often do. Well My aunt that lives Idaho sent me a message. She is tells me that she is wanting to foster care a young man threw a placement group in Idaho(again she has done it for many years). She also tells me she saw a little boy whom is 8 months old with some special needs that is ready to be placed. My aunt did not to my knowledge know about what had just happened to us. My breath was taken away first by the little boys beautiful face and page written about him, that she directed me to. But Then I thought how did she know... HOW DID SHE KNOW?
Latter as dinner is ready with help from Dinner by Designee. Matt and I sit down for a nice meal. I told him about what my aunt had sent me. How I felt, told him of how beautiful his soul looked threw his big BLUE eyes. Matt begins to tell me a story that some were down the line one of Matt's closest friends family members did IVF and are super pregnant and everything is going well. I surprisingly didn't get my Stephanie attitude that I normally would get under my breath "ohh great for them" But instead I listened to the rest of what Matt had to say. This couple has a LOT of embryos left (how many is a lot I have no clue) they are wanting to adopt the embryos to someone that WANTS THEM (oh oh oh ME ME ME PICK ME);)
I guess Matt's friend wanted to tell Matt the story last Friday but did not know were our egg retrieval would go, and how it would make hime feel. But he told him he would be willing to share the story now if he was willing to listen. So they talked about how it has been the past few days etc. Matt tells him to find out more info for us and pass it along and we will talk about it.
We still have my What the hell happened appointment on Thursday and we plan on taking our time and really talking with Doctor Colver. About what we can do, how we feel, tell him how much we love him and his nurse etc.
I am so very thankful for My wonderful husband my world, our beautiful baby girl, our mothers, and all family members our friends, and my twitter bodyguards;) You all mean so much to me!! Thank you all!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Lillian Nichole Josephine's Second Adoption Day!:)
Lillian Nichole Josephine's second adoption day!!, OK tomorrow is her actual adoption day, but I'm doing good to have time to write this now! Early on in our relationship with Lillian's mom( at the time she wasn't a birth mother yet, the adoption world would call her expectant mother but I will just say mom) We knew how lucky we truly were going to be. Lillian's Mother we will call her A, she said as soon as Lillian is born I would like her to be given to you guys... If you want you can be at the hospital, heck why not be in the delivery room. While going thew adoption classes we learned we could get in the middle of the night call to say "your baby was just born, you may come to the hospital when she/he are released. So hearing those words were amazing.
At first our relationship was quite like a blind date.. then slowly to newly dating couple and right on to lets meet the parents! At that time we heard news that you dont expects to hear from a birth family. "We are very proud of A's decision to place, but even more proud that she picked you both to be this little girls parents" Latter on when Lillian decided to show her little cute bum we got to spend a lot of time with A, A's mom, dad sister, and best friend we will call him T.
Going in we had no idea what to expects what so ever.. but we were greeted with open arms... and even teased a hemm because some soon to be daddy made the soon to be mommy RUN threw the parking lot and hospital... turns out the birth family watched the running threw the parking lot. Insert blushed cheeks;). I loved talking with A's dad about the Chicago Cubbies... and latter got the joy of being A's pushing partner... one of three.
When it really was time to start pushing and having pain.. A asked me why is she giving me so much pain, and asked me to tell her to stop.. I found this to be almost to emotional to handle. A had already decided that I was Lillian's mom.. A's mom said "A you have to talk to God about it!". As the day wore on Matt could not bare the pain A was going threw so A's father and Matt waited in the hall way. I never left A's side but to use the restroom once and to let her get "checked". When it was time to for real push push, A's mom yelled out in the hallway for Matt "to get in here your baby is going to be born" Once the topic was brought up as to who will be cutting the cord, A's dad took the lead and said as a family we would like Matt to, after I offered to if no one was willing to. I could not contain my hope love and joy for this family.. Once Lillian was born she was carted out of the room... A's parents looked at me and Matthew and said "what are you doing your baby is in the hall way all alone".. Matt and I looked at each other and at them... I muttered out "I was just worried about A and didn't want to".. "GO GO your baby". Both of A's parents stopped by when she was getting her stats, apgars, bath and pictures with her squweee PARENTS!:) We were parents..when they did they would great us with HI parents!:)
The next day Lillian's mom sighed the parental right papers, Matt picked up our attorney at the air port( all of our attorney, they represent both parties) Matt also took him back to the air port. That afternoon A had a call from the Court house and she did some thing I will always thank her for. She asked if the prosses could be speed up for us.. this is something that birth mothers can do now a days. Latter that night around 4 pm A was sent home.
We had Lillian in our hospital room the entire time.. she never left my side... we left two days latter on ward to our home. and Two months latter we were in that very court house that made the call to A's hospital room..
I will NEVER be able to Thank A. enough for being the woman she is, picking us to be her Little girls parents. But I also cant stop thanking her for her unselfish ways she and her family treated us. We truly felt like family! When we would text and email.. we would get my parents say hi or give Lilly( she like most people call her Lilly) kisses for us!
First Birthday
1year Adoption Day
Birthday
Adoption Day
Our attorney, Meg and us
Lillian two weeks before adoption day #2 :)
Happy Forever Family Day/ Adoption Day!
Lillian thank you for helping your Birth Mommy pick us to be your parents! They love and joy you have brought to our life is the best thing that will ever have happened to us! We love you so much A and Lillian!
At first our relationship was quite like a blind date.. then slowly to newly dating couple and right on to lets meet the parents! At that time we heard news that you dont expects to hear from a birth family. "We are very proud of A's decision to place, but even more proud that she picked you both to be this little girls parents" Latter on when Lillian decided to show her little cute bum we got to spend a lot of time with A, A's mom, dad sister, and best friend we will call him T.
Going in we had no idea what to expects what so ever.. but we were greeted with open arms... and even teased a hemm because some soon to be daddy made the soon to be mommy RUN threw the parking lot and hospital... turns out the birth family watched the running threw the parking lot. Insert blushed cheeks;). I loved talking with A's dad about the Chicago Cubbies... and latter got the joy of being A's pushing partner... one of three.
When it really was time to start pushing and having pain.. A asked me why is she giving me so much pain, and asked me to tell her to stop.. I found this to be almost to emotional to handle. A had already decided that I was Lillian's mom.. A's mom said "A you have to talk to God about it!". As the day wore on Matt could not bare the pain A was going threw so A's father and Matt waited in the hall way. I never left A's side but to use the restroom once and to let her get "checked". When it was time to for real push push, A's mom yelled out in the hallway for Matt "to get in here your baby is going to be born" Once the topic was brought up as to who will be cutting the cord, A's dad took the lead and said as a family we would like Matt to, after I offered to if no one was willing to. I could not contain my hope love and joy for this family.. Once Lillian was born she was carted out of the room... A's parents looked at me and Matthew and said "what are you doing your baby is in the hall way all alone".. Matt and I looked at each other and at them... I muttered out "I was just worried about A and didn't want to".. "GO GO your baby". Both of A's parents stopped by when she was getting her stats, apgars, bath and pictures with her squweee PARENTS!:) We were parents..when they did they would great us with HI parents!:)
The next day Lillian's mom sighed the parental right papers, Matt picked up our attorney at the air port( all of our attorney, they represent both parties) Matt also took him back to the air port. That afternoon A had a call from the Court house and she did some thing I will always thank her for. She asked if the prosses could be speed up for us.. this is something that birth mothers can do now a days. Latter that night around 4 pm A was sent home.
We had Lillian in our hospital room the entire time.. she never left my side... we left two days latter on ward to our home. and Two months latter we were in that very court house that made the call to A's hospital room..
I will NEVER be able to Thank A. enough for being the woman she is, picking us to be her Little girls parents. But I also cant stop thanking her for her unselfish ways she and her family treated us. We truly felt like family! When we would text and email.. we would get my parents say hi or give Lilly( she like most people call her Lilly) kisses for us!
Happy Forever Family Day/ Adoption Day!
Lillian thank you for helping your Birth Mommy pick us to be your parents! They love and joy you have brought to our life is the best thing that will ever have happened to us! We love you so much A and Lillian!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Well hello all! Its been a while again..
Hello followers all 20 of you woah 20! If you cant tell Im officially the worst blogger ever!
What is new with us? Well lets see... We just got back from Florida. We went down for my best friend since 6th grade Stephanie's wedding. (why yes we have the same name.. why this is so interesting to people I don't know!) But also stayed for a family vacation. We swam, ate at Pineapple Willy's, played in the sand, waited in the water and got bit by fish.. yes you read that right fish were eating my chicken legs in the ocean! It was a wonderful time! Best vacation we have had as a family! We then came home and had breakfast at Denny's with one of my twitter gf's Courtney! It was so fun! We talked about our kids.... Infertility, treatments etc!
We are now back to reality. Matt just left for a week long work trip to Virginia!:( We don't like it when daddy travels in this house.. but we will carry on and make the best of it. Plenty of things to keep us busy.. Go visit Grammy, lunch or dinner with my Daddy, Unckie will be watching Lil's for me so I can go to the lady parts doctor. But still missing Daddy!
So here comes the real infertility aspect of this post! One year ago on the 31'st we experienced the best Egg retrieval we could of ever hoped for. I made 12 eggs(yes a dozen eggs lol) 10 matured, 5 Fertilized, three stuck around... on September 3rd we had two pretty embryos transferred. We were sadly not able to freeze any of our pretty little embryos... It was our first shot that we together have ever been bale to make a family. Most normal people have made two embryo's on there own in no time. But here we sit a year latter no more embryos have been created. No tummy's full of wanted/unwanted dangerous drugs. No doting husband not allowing his tinny wife that has two embryos in her move an inch. To be honest this all makes me a little over whelmed I'm not a over whelmed type.. I will always say I can handle it I'm fine...
I'm so ready for one more chance.. I know what the out comes are.. there are only two ways it could go. In the past year I have learned threw my friends what hope is, what it looks like and what it feels like. But with that being said I have stopped counting.. "If we did IVF #2 in March we would could have a baby in..." I'm not going to make my heart believe something that I don't know will happen like I did last year. But I still have Hope it will happen.. I'm so ready to go and do it NOW! I know if my brother reads this.. he is thinking why now... my answer.. I want it now, I have waited long enough, I want this! So please God let it be soon!! Let it be your will that I call our RE very soon! I'm ready for the ups the downs and the wands in my JJ!:)
What is new with us? Well lets see... We just got back from Florida. We went down for my best friend since 6th grade Stephanie's wedding. (why yes we have the same name.. why this is so interesting to people I don't know!) But also stayed for a family vacation. We swam, ate at Pineapple Willy's, played in the sand, waited in the water and got bit by fish.. yes you read that right fish were eating my chicken legs in the ocean! It was a wonderful time! Best vacation we have had as a family! We then came home and had breakfast at Denny's with one of my twitter gf's Courtney! It was so fun! We talked about our kids.... Infertility, treatments etc!
We are now back to reality. Matt just left for a week long work trip to Virginia!:( We don't like it when daddy travels in this house.. but we will carry on and make the best of it. Plenty of things to keep us busy.. Go visit Grammy, lunch or dinner with my Daddy, Unckie will be watching Lil's for me so I can go to the lady parts doctor. But still missing Daddy!
So here comes the real infertility aspect of this post! One year ago on the 31'st we experienced the best Egg retrieval we could of ever hoped for. I made 12 eggs(yes a dozen eggs lol) 10 matured, 5 Fertilized, three stuck around... on September 3rd we had two pretty embryos transferred. We were sadly not able to freeze any of our pretty little embryos... It was our first shot that we together have ever been bale to make a family. Most normal people have made two embryo's on there own in no time. But here we sit a year latter no more embryos have been created. No tummy's full of wanted/unwanted dangerous drugs. No doting husband not allowing his tinny wife that has two embryos in her move an inch. To be honest this all makes me a little over whelmed I'm not a over whelmed type.. I will always say I can handle it I'm fine...
I'm so ready for one more chance.. I know what the out comes are.. there are only two ways it could go. In the past year I have learned threw my friends what hope is, what it looks like and what it feels like. But with that being said I have stopped counting.. "If we did IVF #2 in March we would could have a baby in..." I'm not going to make my heart believe something that I don't know will happen like I did last year. But I still have Hope it will happen.. I'm so ready to go and do it NOW! I know if my brother reads this.. he is thinking why now... my answer.. I want it now, I have waited long enough, I want this! So please God let it be soon!! Let it be your will that I call our RE very soon! I'm ready for the ups the downs and the wands in my JJ!:)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
My opinion and views on 16 and Pregnant Adoption Special
700,300 teen girls get pregnant in America each year and 1% choose adoption.. As Dr. Drew pointed out. He also pointed out in factual way that most teen mothers they choose adoption go farther in life, and with their education. Its not a secret that I love both shows! But I still do have my own opinion.
As a Birth mother I have been drawn to the three young woman that placed there children on the show 16 and Pregnant Catelynn, Ashley and Lori(Lori could not make it but, my feelings are that she was pushed rather hard into adoption). Once I got word that MTV was having the adoption special I knew I had to watch. I in many ways can relate with the young ladies and in other way's my son's adoption was completely different.
I loved that MTV did not candy coat any part of the adoption process or the emotions that go along with adoption and Birth families pain. He also touched on the emotions that the adoptive parents go threw. Dr. Drew is a extremely smart and caring man. Many times in the show he got very emotional.
I however don't feel that the show can ever fully show what Birth mothers go through and the pain we feel. It is a life long decision that we must live threw and not just threw our teens and twenty's but till the day we pass on.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Im not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much
At 17 years old I had no idea what infertility even really was, I just knew that some women could have children and some could not. When I did get pregnant, in a unplanned kind of way. I did have a tug at my heart for the people that could not make a family on their own. But it was not my major reason for placement.
When I found out about my own infertility this past year I have to say I was beyond surprised. Never for one second did I feel mad that I lovingly placed my son for adoption, and now I cant get pregnant. I have always seen it as two different times in my life. But what I do not understand is how my thyroid was the same thyroid. But now it works differently.
My family doctors, OBGYN Etc have always been surprised when they tested my thyroid in the past. It has always came back normal..I have always been a small person.. skinny I guess you can say, I HAVE NEVER had normal menstrual cycles. I did gymnastics and didn't have periods often for many years. I have always heard you must just have a fast metabolism.(so side note I was 90 lbs when I got pregnant so I don't for a second think thinlyness has anything to do with not getting pregnant) Once I started seeing our RE. I then got the answer I was not expecting. My nurse this winter told me that when I was diagnosed my "numbers" were in the triple the number that the doctor likes to see. Which there for can mean I was either not ovulating when I thought I was or at all. ( I know when I ovulate tho.. I know strange)
I recall one day at my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Cody.. it was a normal emotional I'm pregnant and am placing my baby day. I saw a nice looking sweet lady staring at my LARGE belly..and she began to cry.. I sat in my uncomfortable chair and looked at my mom.. as to say what do I do? I did what my heart does best .." are you ok sweety"? NO was her reply. I asked what was wrong and I got a "I cant have babies!!" I then told her my story which made us both cry. I make friends fast.. but I have never in my life met some one in public like that and had such a strong painful reaction.I could almost feel her pain and my pain at once. I will never forget that lady! Now I sit here 8 years latter and I am that lady that cries in the OBGYN office.. and yes in the waiting area once... OK twice. But I'm not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much. Do I understand it, no. BUT I'M NOT BITTER.
I still do however have hope that God may give us another child/children either from IVF or Adoption once more!
I'm not a medical professional so don't take my words to knowing much medical knowledge.
When I found out about my own infertility this past year I have to say I was beyond surprised. Never for one second did I feel mad that I lovingly placed my son for adoption, and now I cant get pregnant. I have always seen it as two different times in my life. But what I do not understand is how my thyroid was the same thyroid. But now it works differently.
My family doctors, OBGYN Etc have always been surprised when they tested my thyroid in the past. It has always came back normal..I have always been a small person.. skinny I guess you can say, I HAVE NEVER had normal menstrual cycles. I did gymnastics and didn't have periods often for many years. I have always heard you must just have a fast metabolism.(so side note I was 90 lbs when I got pregnant so I don't for a second think thinlyness has anything to do with not getting pregnant) Once I started seeing our RE. I then got the answer I was not expecting. My nurse this winter told me that when I was diagnosed my "numbers" were in the triple the number that the doctor likes to see. Which there for can mean I was either not ovulating when I thought I was or at all. ( I know when I ovulate tho.. I know strange)
I recall one day at my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Cody.. it was a normal emotional I'm pregnant and am placing my baby day. I saw a nice looking sweet lady staring at my LARGE belly..and she began to cry.. I sat in my uncomfortable chair and looked at my mom.. as to say what do I do? I did what my heart does best .." are you ok sweety"? NO was her reply. I asked what was wrong and I got a "I cant have babies!!" I then told her my story which made us both cry. I make friends fast.. but I have never in my life met some one in public like that and had such a strong painful reaction.I could almost feel her pain and my pain at once. I will never forget that lady! Now I sit here 8 years latter and I am that lady that cries in the OBGYN office.. and yes in the waiting area once... OK twice. But I'm not and have never been bitter about being fertile and then not so much. Do I understand it, no. BUT I'M NOT BITTER.
I'm not a medical professional so don't take my words to knowing much medical knowledge.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Well Im not a good blogger.. apparently
So It took a long long time but I got my up date almost two months after I KINDLY asked for it.. But I still got it March 4th. Enclosed with the update was a three page letter and one picture. You know to catch me up on three years.
Cody and I have many things in common!:) We are both large fans of baseball, the color green, pasta, Star Wars( which he says rocks)<yes it does,Cookies and Pasta.
Cody goes on to ask me 8 questions. He is so smart and sweet. He thinks that we look alike.. boy is he correct! I have wrote back a few times with more questions and cards with no response. But Im going to keep sending them! It was all worth seeing his sweet face and reading about him! It sadly looks like I have passed my learning disability on to him ( Dyslexia). But I know he will strive and grow to be an incredible man!
Birth Mothers Day and Mothers Day are on the horizon and make me weepy and miss him even more! All the pain, scars and grief are worth it to see him in good home with two parents and big sister that love him!
I have been thinking about writing a blog entry on being a birth mother and going threw infertility.. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or how to word it.. but if you know me on Twitter and read this let me know what your thoughts are!
I hope all of my girls are doing OK with this week! We all have our own story around mothers day that doesn't just involve infertility! Being infertile in a fertile world is so lonely I'm so glad I have my #hope girls! Your all on my heart!
Me my mom and Cody on the Day Cody met his parents and big sister!<3
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Every night I pray.. lastnight I prayed
Every night I pray I pray for a lot of things. But last nights prayer involved me ask/ tell God I know that we have all been working hard on getting me my update. God I need a sign I need to know if Cody's Mom will be sending me a update or not. Knowing good and well while praying this that I could not be getting an update at all.
Well this am I got up, took my thyroid pill, fed the pup, let him out, got Lillian out of her pile of stuffed animals she slept on and made her breakfast. When Lillian was eating I started a load of laundry. Nothing special just an average morning at my house. After I started a load of whites I was caring the empty basket to my closet, but I got stopped in my tracks from a phone call. I said to Matt "be Kirsh and Kirsh be Kirsh and Kirsh".
As I picked up the phone I heard a VERY familiar voice.. " Hello this is Steve Kirsh is this Stephanie"? I was SHOCKED our lawyer was calling ME! I said "Yes this is her, Hello Steve" He then goes on to tell me that he spoke (finally) with Cody's mom. He also tell's me that he had to do some digging/ research to find their home number. If you recall Cody's mother has been with holding their home phone number. Come to find out it looks as if both of Cody's parents are retired and have other jobs now. This is were the conversation got real real interesting. Steve spoke with Cody's Mom asking that we had been in contact with her in January for an update and wanted to know where it was. She tells him that this up date is just a courteous update.. Steve's answer to that was what do you mean? "Well after the age of 5 my obligation to send update's is up" Steve was not happy with this comment. "Yes you are correct" "I guess it is a courteous if that is what you want to call it" I could tell in the tone of Steve's voice he was so not happy with her. He later asks her why she hasn't sent the update any way..? She tell's him she has been working 6 day's a week. This is where Steve should pull out super lawyer cape..." That isn't a excuse". He goes on to ask when " Stephanie should be expecting her up date"? She latter tell's him she will try to get it out by the end of the week.
Steve doesn't have much hope in his voice at this point to think she will do it at all! But many many times Steve told me in our conversation that he is very disappointed in them and their actions. I told him they have changed so much in the 8 years that I picked them to be my son's parents.. I don't even know them any more.
At this point I'm not surprised by what was said. But what does make me the most mad is Cody's mother is not thinking of me or I feel Cody. It feels like she is making strong strides to keep us apart. It is hart breaking to feel that way. I gave you MY life, my heart, my ALL. Everything I HAD in the WORLD. To be latter treated like last weeks trash and tossed to the curb. I'm not trash. I'm his Birth mother. If she doesn't think I should be able to see him, Then my heart and I know WE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Words cant explain how much that boy means to me. I will do what it takes to see him. (abiding the law of course)
BUT I have said it once I will say it a million times I have the best representation ever. I thank God so much for sending me Kirsh and Kirsh to help guide me and teach me what REAL adoption professionals do!
We will see what this story/conversation brings us. I'm hoping and praying for the best! But God sure did give me a sign a large sparkley sign with my name on it.
On a happy note I had my thyroid tested again for our next IVF and it is doing well!:) Way to go little engine that could!
please comment and let me know what you think!
Loads of love and Thank you for reading
Stephanie
Well this am I got up, took my thyroid pill, fed the pup, let him out, got Lillian out of her pile of stuffed animals she slept on and made her breakfast. When Lillian was eating I started a load of laundry. Nothing special just an average morning at my house. After I started a load of whites I was caring the empty basket to my closet, but I got stopped in my tracks from a phone call. I said to Matt "be Kirsh and Kirsh be Kirsh and Kirsh".
As I picked up the phone I heard a VERY familiar voice.. " Hello this is Steve Kirsh is this Stephanie"? I was SHOCKED our lawyer was calling ME! I said "Yes this is her, Hello Steve" He then goes on to tell me that he spoke (finally) with Cody's mom. He also tell's me that he had to do some digging/ research to find their home number. If you recall Cody's mother has been with holding their home phone number. Come to find out it looks as if both of Cody's parents are retired and have other jobs now. This is were the conversation got real real interesting. Steve spoke with Cody's Mom asking that we had been in contact with her in January for an update and wanted to know where it was. She tells him that this up date is just a courteous update.. Steve's answer to that was what do you mean? "Well after the age of 5 my obligation to send update's is up" Steve was not happy with this comment. "Yes you are correct" "I guess it is a courteous if that is what you want to call it" I could tell in the tone of Steve's voice he was so not happy with her. He later asks her why she hasn't sent the update any way..? She tell's him she has been working 6 day's a week. This is where Steve should pull out super lawyer cape..." That isn't a excuse". He goes on to ask when " Stephanie should be expecting her up date"? She latter tell's him she will try to get it out by the end of the week.
Steve doesn't have much hope in his voice at this point to think she will do it at all! But many many times Steve told me in our conversation that he is very disappointed in them and their actions. I told him they have changed so much in the 8 years that I picked them to be my son's parents.. I don't even know them any more.
At this point I'm not surprised by what was said. But what does make me the most mad is Cody's mother is not thinking of me or I feel Cody. It feels like she is making strong strides to keep us apart. It is hart breaking to feel that way. I gave you MY life, my heart, my ALL. Everything I HAD in the WORLD. To be latter treated like last weeks trash and tossed to the curb. I'm not trash. I'm his Birth mother. If she doesn't think I should be able to see him, Then my heart and I know WE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Words cant explain how much that boy means to me. I will do what it takes to see him. (abiding the law of course)
BUT I have said it once I will say it a million times I have the best representation ever. I thank God so much for sending me Kirsh and Kirsh to help guide me and teach me what REAL adoption professionals do!
We will see what this story/conversation brings us. I'm hoping and praying for the best! But God sure did give me a sign a large sparkley sign with my name on it.
On a happy note I had my thyroid tested again for our next IVF and it is doing well!:) Way to go little engine that could!
please comment and let me know what you think!
Loads of love and Thank you for reading
Stephanie
Monday, February 21, 2011
Losing Hope from Jack Johnson
Im a big fan of Jack Johnson and his music has always spoke to me. I listened to him in my Van this morning, after I loaded my Ipod music to the Van's hard drive! How cool is that... If you like a very peaceful, beachy sound you will love this song. Take a listen... Im not losing hope in my update or fertility. But like the song says its easy! Bless you all have a great Monday : /
I miss Hawaii more and more each and every day! Jack Johnson is from Hawaii, I was so sad that I didnt get to meet him there ;) Mahlo my lovely Hawaii!
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