On this Sunday... my time with God, cleaning, Infertility, NFL and MPL

Hello two followers! :)   Today I have spent time cleaning, cooking, tending to the needs of my little family.... ok ok and I spent time online as my husband has been yawwwn watching the NFL... Im not into it to say the least!

But I did research some IF things today... two things I learned that I now know
                    * infertility  acupuncture is NOT cheep & apparently there are only three good ones that service near my RE office
                     * second I want a cute blog everyone that has the cute pictures/ cartoons on there blog's I'm so jealous! haha


Friday we found out that our pup Brody who I recently blogged about will have to have two surgeries in the future. I have been quite hart broken and worried. The cost for one of the surgeries favor near the rest of the cost's of my last try at IVF.

Last night I told God... I don't want my husband to have his migraines, I don't want my pup to have surgery done either. But I'm not the type of person that looks at my life before others. This is one of those cases where I said I have no idea what you have planed in our future for us but I will take it all!
I didn't chose infertility, my pups Medial Patella Luxation, or my husband migraines. But whatever happen's I will handle because I love my family more than anything and will do anything for them!

If God want's us to become pregnant he will make it happen... I have given it to him along time ago, just going along for our journey together.

Here is what my pup has in a nut shell http://www.petplace.com/dogs/medial-patella-luxation-in-dogs/page1.aspx?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=social-bookmarks&utm_campaign=SBMK001-Article

My adoption journey 2

How does a 18 year old girl go about preparing her self for birth? I had taken birthing classes you know the  old shabang videos, pan flits, RN who wishes she was not in a "classroom" full of pregnant teenagers. I felt I was covered in that front. So I watched my favorite show at the time one of ABC's cruel jokes at love. I cried my eye's out. After the series finally was over I tried to go to bed. For that alarm clock aka mom would be coming to wake me for the COLD travel to the hospital. Seeing that I was pregnant and about to give birth, I could not sleep.

Morning time came too soon. Just like most mornings do when your pregnant and cant sleep. I got up got dressed and waddled to the bathroom. Looked into the mirror and had to look down for fear of the tears to start again. I brushed my teeth. Then tried to get my Puma's tied on my own... ha yeah right mom had to tie them for me. Then I got in my son's fathers vehical and headed to the hospital. (yes everyone packed my things in for me) We drove the 45 minute to hour drive to the hospital.'

Got to the pre op desk filled out paper work and then it was my turn to go to my labor and delivery room. I was wheeled or walked to my room( sorry my brain is fuzzy with that part) I was told to change into a ugly gown(ha) and lay in bed. After a while the RN came in and took my pallse, blood pressure (still high dang it). She then put a IV in my wrist and checked me. Three centameters I had been three centameters for a month. Latter she started my IV floids, Magnizium, and Pitocin. Not telling me much about the meds which to this day bothers me. My mom was with me thee entire time. She understood what was going on but didnt tell me much, but that the Magnizium will make you feel hot and even more tired. It was then that the Nurses aid did something that Neither my mom nor I knew why or what she was doing? She was padding my bed handels. Aperently when you have Pre-eclamsia as bad as I did  you can have a seizer. The nurses and doctors didnt want me to hit my head if that happened. Oh joy thank you for that and warning me Doctors!

Soon after the bed padding they checked me again 4 cenameters. Im in full on labor, but they had to break my water. Such a strange feeling. Im joking when I say this the meds and water break made my contractions come, come fast and hard. My mom and son's father laughed at me because I could not help but clench everything threw thee contractions and  my eyes got so big! I could not speek talk or think..The meds did exactly what my mom oventally told me they would... hot and felt like the room was spining. It was when one of the contractions stopped I could say mom I want meds and I want them now!! A nap would also be nice! It seems that I recall them checking me one time before I asked for the meds I think I went to a 7 maybe. Mom said that she would be down the hall for a bit..( dont to it mom stay stay your going to regret leaving me ;) ) A nother RN came in and said before your nap/ epidaril we will have to check you again. Then they would call the anistia dr.  Well to my surprise when they did FINALLY check me I was at a 10!! I was litterly ready to push... I had my son's father page my mom and page her and page her.. She didnt get them in time becuse as she was walking back down to the room she say hospital personle rushing around running ect. She came in the room as I had done one small push.

Side note
Since my Doctor didnt think I would progress in 4 hours she was on her way to the hospital and completely missed my beautiful sons birth. Saying I had a fast delivery is an understatement. I was in labor for 4 hours pushed three good pushes and he was out.( I will leave out the pain parts) Sadly the cord was wrapped around his neck and was a bit blue. No worries tho the "doctor" got him out safely and stitched me up!
But was I ever afraid when no one told me of his blueness.. he didn't cry for a good 40 seconds. Thoes where some of the scariest seconds of my life. They bundled him up and handed him to me! At 10:14 am on January 21'st 2003 Cody Lee ? was born at 6 lb's 8 ounces and 18 inches long. Everything around me got quite. I could not hear a thing but instead staring at my son. My most beautiful birth son. I have NEVER seen such a beautiful boy in all of my life. He was perfect in every way. Latter I LET my mom, sons father and guest hold him! :)

I had lots and lots of guest which got me into some isues with a mean nurse at the hospital. I will never forget that lady!! Made me so sad! How ever I could of used that nurse later... I say this as a birth mother who was not ready to let go yet. So please don't think Im selfish. I had a guest at the said atorney's Kirsh and Kirsh. As soon as I saw his face I started crying I was not ready to sign yet. He wanted me to sign after giving birth maybe two hours latter?  He aggreed to come back the next day.

I however can never stop thanking my family for staying with me at the hospital and never leveeing my side untill the late hours of the night! My mom, dad and both brothers came to the hospital! I wanted them to stay with me at the hospital for the rest of my stay to be honest! That night I let my son sleep in the nursery for about 4 hours... then I asked for help to the ladies room and wanted him back. I got some much needed sleep and had him the rest of my stay at the hospital. I cried if my mom left the room for some reason.. to this day I dont know why I did that!

The next day I got to shower whoo hooo! ha! Then I was moved to a different room. It was then That I signed the papers and agreed that the adoptive family should come and finally meet there son! They were so sweet and were so excited! We took sooo many pics the hole time at the hospital. Espically when they arrived. The looks on there face's was the best thing to see! Cody's mother realized that I loved to shop, brought me options for Cody to go home in. I got to pick his going home outfit! One thing that I never thought  I would get the chance to do!  They stayed for about two and a half hours and left.  They left so I could get some sleep for the next day I was to go home. As soon as that hit me I could not stop crying. I prayed to God all night long. I begged and pleated for alot of things. But I remember my last plea was for me to try to put on a brave face. A brave face for everyone in the adoption plan.

The next morning I got another shower. I did my hair, put on makeup and even snuck some perfume! (i could not wear during pregnancy it due to my all day sickness) I wanted to look the best I could for going home pictures! I can litterly see in my mind what Im going to describe now. My mom wheeled in a wheel chair I carried my son Cody to the chair and they wheeled me to the end of the room and I said goodbyes to Cody as the rest of the room talked and shared. I told him I loved him more than I love my self. I then handed him to his new father Bob and said good bye and hugged all of Cody's new family. They then wheeled me to one end of the hall and Cody walked in a hospital crib bed thing. When I turned around as we were wheeling down the hall. I just saw the back of Bob. They were all smiles I amuse.

The drive home was ok per say... my mom let Cody's birth father drop me off at home while she piked up burger king for me and my pain meds.What she didn't know was that Cody's birth father dropped me off and left me alone. When my mom got home she did the typical Steph were are you? I sobbed on   the   coach! Where is he? He... left.. mee alone mom!:( ( my 26 year old heart breaks for 18 year old me... but know I now have a amazing man that would never leave my side unless I told him too haha) It was then God sent me a friend to come visit... I was involved in church alot before I got pregnant and thought all that were in that group with me forgot about me.... One didnt( I will say her name just becuse I still brag to her how awesome she is) Joanna Cambell and her mom Lisa came to visit me at my home and helped so much!( I did have alot of my gf's come and see me but this one stood out so Heather B, KK, LD, Lenell, Jess and Val thanks ladies) But this gf showed me the gift of God in her sweet eyes and I love her for that!


What happen the next few days were not my best few days... Its a big blur of tears and my parents forcing me to eat. I had a visit with my councilor. It was then My dad asked  her what we had to do to get him back. Lucky for Cody and his family I no longer had any wrights to him seeing that we live in Indiana. I was crushed. It felt like my heart feel out of my chest everyday. I hurt and I cried I slept and sat alone if not for my parents. yeah you guessed it lovely birth father was MIA for for days post placement. Big surprise. Ok I said I would be nice, hey I tried.

I went back to school two weeks latter... still in mental and physical  pain. I had no choice. Just like I had no choice of my pain I was going threw. The only real thing I remembered being said to me that first day back was "I thought you lose weight after you gave birth" (ass hole children sorry). The only thing that got me thew was knowing I would receive pics of Cody at the end of the week and at one month, three, five, seven, nine and a year old.

But after all the pain I felt threw this adoption I know I did what was best for my son. I didn't say much of my reasonings to place in this blog post but maybe I will one day!  I now know that I did what was best for me! God wanted and helped me threw all this time! With out God and my family I don't know where I would of been!
My son will be 8 years old  next month.  It is still a hard day for me, but I love it all the same! God blessed me with the best day of my life( yes as is Lil's birth)

I love my little adopted angel boy Cody Lee!

My adoption journey (before delivery and placement)

Growing up in the mid west(for most of my life), I was raised with all of my cousins together all the time. My Grandma or Mammaw and Grandpa or Pappaw Decker were a huge part of that growing up also always telling us how much they loved each and every one of us. On my mom's side we have 8 of us altogether and now many of us have children.  I have one male cousin that I feel helped shape my personality the most, his name is Justin. Justin is now 31  years old with a son and a step son!!  You would never know it in a thousand years but he and his sister are both adopted. I have known that he was adopted my entire life! My entire family loves them both unconditionally, we never talk about there adoptions but we have talked about there birth mothers gracious gifts to us! Our Justin and Carol Ann.

As you can guess as a a child I had a lot more understanding of adoption than your normal child. No I'm not adopted but I have always felt like adoption has always been in and apart of my heart. So as I was dating my son's father I told him... "if we ever get pregnant and are not married I will place our child for adoption" He being the man he is stuck to that and never let me forget it!( out of respect for my son I will not say his name and keep him out of this as much as I can, for this is My adoption journey)

In the summer of 2002 I became well aware that something in my body was not correct.. It started out as a funny reaction to tanning bed lights. Then on a family vacation I had a strange cold, headache, STRONG hunger, and the need to sleep alot! ( i slept alot as a teenager already) Well a few day's latter we boarded  a ship for our Disney cruise... bad idea turns out if you are pregnant. The ship and I hated each other! Sea sick doesn't even begin to cover it! But on land I was my old self. When I got home for the most part I was back to normal just still tired. But two months latter or so I found out wile working out with my mom something was not correct. Two day's latter I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was indeed with child. I as you can guess was scared and worried. I had just turned 18... no I wasn't 16 and pregnant but I was young.

Latter on in the week my son's father came home  from his family vacation. I sat him down ( he know something was up) and told him we are going to be parents plan and simple I'm PREGNANT! He took it ok... My father and his mother however did not!! But amazingly his dad and my dad wanted us to parent and not place our chld adoption like we wanted... but that is getting ahead of the story.

Two weeks latter my mom called the attorney's  Kirsh and Kirsh. We met with Steve and told him our plan, thoughts and hopes. Two day's latter after paper work was sent back in etc I had  Dear Birth mother letters sent to my home. We received about six packages that at the time looked like scrap books( what time that must of took) My mom, sons's father and I said ok look them over find your top favorites but don't tell each other( done separately mom and I then my sons's father and I) Mom and I picked thee same profile!:) My son's father didn't like them the best but they were a strong second. We decided we would call the attorney's in the coming day's.


 A few days latter I had my first Obgyn visit and ultra sound. I had no idea how far along I was, so I was in shock as was my mom, she went with me(sons father to busy insert eye roll) that I was three and a quarter months pregnant. Due January 24th 2003. I thought it was quite a regal due date!? Latter that month I decided to call Kirsh and Kirsh and say I found my child's parents!! I was so excited and proud that I made a strong desison for my child and myself.  I told  one of the "Kirsh boys"You can tell them but I need another week to pray, after that time we would like to meet them! All long after meeting with Kirsh and Kirsh boy's I started going threw counselling with my new friend Meg... I was scared of her a bit to be honest! But in the long run I grew to love and respect her! I met with her every month ta two weeks.

A few weeks latter I met my son's adoptive parents to be... We met at Stake N Shake.(CRAAAAVING IT0:) ) My mom, my sons father and myself. With there biological daughter in tow. We knew what they looked like but to them we were a mystery. I was so tiny and they had a hard time finding us!:) I sat at the head of the table( I kinda like teenage me for sitting there like I WAS IN CHARGE HERE) We sat and talked and ate... talked about likes dislikes, birth plans etc. I feel like my sons adoptive parents to be didn't know what to think of the meeting me. Scared that I would not place at all! But I already had it in my head that they were picked. All along I had a secret that I hadn't let slip yet and neither did my "family" I found out the day before I was carrying a boy!! When My son's mother and sister went to the bathroom my son's adoptive father asked me may I ask if you know what your having? I had a pregnant pause and told him as his wife and daughter arrived its a BOY! (I was so happy to be carrying a boy having all brothers even tho I thought he was going to be a girl ha) His mother said "excuse me did you say your having a boy?!" "WE ALL SURE ARE, HAVING A BOY" It was then I said I would like you to be his parents(patting my belly) with tears in my eyes. They hugged each other and cried along with me.

When I picked my sons parents June and Bob.. it was at that moment I feel my mom found a new great friend! They are both RN's and are so passionate about the Lord! They would talk on the phone alot... when I felt like I could not talk much. After the meeting at that Stake N Shake( which I cant eat in that exact restaurant for fear of crying anymore haha) I felt regret, fear, pain and the feeling that I lost my son... It was the hardest months of my life carrying him!! I became very very sick with Pre-eclampsia, not to forget how sad and depressed I had become. Until my mom reminded me you haven't placed yet and you have this time with him and only this time enjoy it. With the holidays fast approaching I looked to time with family friends and my senior year. At about 6 moths or so I was put on bed rest to only go to school... did I listen? Not so well I wish I had!

We invited June and Katie( my son's big sister) to a few of my appointments. I regret it now but I was a bit stand offish and quite to them. But in all honesty it was out of jeliousy! I wanted to be them excited, becoming a mommy with a family and baby showers. I was nice don't get me wrong. But I would cry and cry every time I saw them. June knew I was sick and could tell I was over being sick and not reaping any of the benefits. June got to go to one of the ultrasounds too! Finally the ultra sound Technion was polite to me. After I introduced June as "this little guy's mom" She and I cried when we saw him and later both went home with ultra sound pictures.

The holiday's came and we talked to the agency and June and Bob on what I wanted. I wanted my mom and son's father in the delivery room. I was going to keep my son with me the entire time at the hospital. June and Bob may come to visit but not to stay. As soon as I was ready I would sign the papers for the adoption.  When I was set to go home, and my son was set to go home that is when they would be handed my little  boy! Late January my Pre-eclampsia took its toll on me, my doctors said we need to get him out. He has grown enough and you cant take much more( I didn't want him to be out but I wanted to feel some what alive) So on January the 17th (a Friday) my doctors said you will be induced on Tuesday January 21'st EARLY in the am. I argued with my Doctor and mom... its to soon its too soon he isn't due till the 24th! It was then that I was told Steph he has to come out your sick its life or death situation. I then agreed... upset but was told  you will feel so much better after you deliver him. While we were leaving I my doctor guess I will see you in four days. She pulled me aside and said Stephanie I know this is so hard on you... but you can see in your stuburn eyes that your done and cant take much else. It was then I looked her in the eye and said " you'd be surprised what this little body can take"  When you love something so much that you can have you have got to hold on to it as tight and stuburn as you can! 

Its so amazing that love you have for a child growing  in your womb. One thing that I thank God he gave to me when he did. May it not be at the time I thought it was. I was and still am thee proudest birth mothers you will ever meet!

More to come on the delivery and placement this evening.

Four legged love

 Pets where would we be with out them? People of all types have them, and most of us agree that our lives have would be so different if it were not for them. Pet's of all types breeds and sizes fill our homes with love and laughter.

So it had me thinking of my four legged love. Yes I have three pets. It is no secret that I have a favorite. He is a four year old West Highland White Terrier, his name is Brody Lee. As soon as I saw his face at a local pet shop I knew had to have him. I stood by the glass and held that sweet sweet baby for a hour. We put a hold on him and went home to think about becoming his mommy and daddy. I however didn't need to think about it. I had to research and talk my then boy friend into him! I begged and pleaded. I even yes shed a few tears for him. I couldn't help it I was in love and I had it bad. I needed a baby to take care of and show my love to. He had my heart and I didn't care who knew it!
                                                   Here is a picture of him from 6-8 weeks old

                                       this is Brody and his sister Lucy who use to be bigger than him.

When my husband broke down and surprised me with him. He purchased Brody for me... yes me he was reluctant to get him. For fear of up setting our other pets. It was a rough start. But we all made it threw. Now with three four babies in hand, a month latter my lovely husband asked me to marry him. Once we started plaining our nuptials I wanted to have Brody be my ring barer. But no one went for it! Sadly I said it would be ok if he wasn't in my wedding.  Latter that year after I went off my birth control pills and we were not getting pregnant I sunk even deeper into my love for Brody. He was and still is my baby! I showered him with toys treats and love. Threw out our journey from TTC to adoption to now or first and soon second IVF. I have leaned on not only my husband but Brody threw it all. I daily tell him I love him and don't know what I would do with out him.

 Once we started our adoption journey I worried Brody would be a jelious baby! We told him little to nothing about the coming baby, just in case our birth mommy changed her mind! Thankfully she chose to place making Brody  a "big brother"Brody has taken on that roll with such honer. As soon as we brought her home, he has been her keeper and best friend. When she was a newborn he would run into the bed room when she was crying or upset. Glaring at me as if to say Mom mom what are you doing? Help her help her! When my princess was around five months old she realized how funny she finds Brody. Now they have a bound that cant be broken.

After the past four years I can honestly tell you life with Brody is unimaginable for all of us. He is a bed dog. He sleeps with me, gets up with me, does my daily stay at home mom/house wife duties and even  waits while I shower! Long story short I love my dog and Thank God for giving him to me threw the good the bad and infertility!  I love you Brody Lee

                                                      my angels almost three years and two weeks (also at six months and 15 months)

First Adoption blog

Its no secret that I am a birth mother, I talk and tweet about it quit frequently. I'm not ready to talk about my adoption experiences with my two children. But that will happen soon enough.  


Like most couples when we stated ttc( trying to conceive) and found out we could not naturally, we heard why don't you just adopt? For us that was our first option we choose to become parents. This does not work for every person or couple. Not every person is made to be an adoptive parent. It takes a certain person to be an adoptive parent. We wanted to be parents and adoption was and is the parenting experience that has worked best for us.


When we went threw thee adoption experience we took alot of classes and in one class we were handed material on positive and negative adoption language. It is my hope that one day every person will use positive adoption language. Nothing gets me fired up more than to read or hear that a birth mother "GAVE UP HER CHILD". Birth mothers never give up or forget!
( Igot this from another Birth mothers blog)
Positive language 

Birthparent 
Biological parent 
Birth child 
My child 

Born to unmarried parents

Terminate parental rights

To parent

Waiting child

Biological father

Making contact with

Parent

International adoption

Adoption triad

Permission to sign a release

Search

Child placed for adoption

Court termination

Child with special needs

Child from abroad

Was adopted

Negative language

Real parent

Natural parent

Own child

Adopted child; Own child

IllegitimateGive up
Give away
To keep
Adoptable child; Available child
Begetter
Reunion
Adoptive parent
Foreign adoption
Adoption triangle
Disclosure
Track down parents
An unwanted child
Child taken away
Handicapped child
Foreign child
Is adopted

Im a praying woman

 Im a praying woman. I always have had a strong faith in God! I pay every night before I go to bed.
But Sometimes I wonder if my prayers are what God wants to hear. "Dear God I know its not the most important thing in th world in general but if it is your will can we please become pregnant" I also pray for other things of course not just a baby.  Sick family and friends, our baby girl, our friends etc. But praying for a pregnancy makes me feel guilty and I don't know why!?


With our daughters adoption I always prayed for birth mothers and there families before we got matched with our daughters birth mother. Once we met her and her family I always prayed for it to be God's will for this baby.  Which I felt was not selfish of me to do. So why is it now that I feel selfish for praying that we will become pregnant?! I pray for everyone else trying to become parents too! But I just  cant shake this selfish feel with my prayers.


Last night my husband and I got on the subject of becoming pregnant. He told me he wants us to be pregnant more than anything, but doesn't know if God wants it for us at the moment. "maybe we aren't ready for more children yet"  "We are so blessed with our little girl" Which I totally agree with. ( any one that knows her/us knows this to be true) But I sort of got upset with my husband... What why would you say that? We are ready!  What if your thinking that keeps it from happening. I never can stay mad at that handsome man..So then I prayed about it and everything else that I felt God needed to hear from me for the day.

When I woke up this morning (still felling sick, I have felt sick for a while)  I know that we both do want to become pregnant and have a larger family. When and if God decides we are ready he will put another baby in our hands. May it be threw IVF,another adoption many years down the road or a miracle baby. But my heart still wants to grow a baby in my womb. I will never stop wanting it or praying for it! I think that that guilty feeling is starting to go away. God works in many ways.  My God is a faithful God!

(Picture from my daughters baptism July  2009) Im still so in love with this little girl 

This is my fist  try at a blog ... so here it goes 

I guess I  can start by saying a bit about myself. I am 26 years old and live in the mid west area. I have been married to my husband for three years. My husband and I have a 17 month old daughter, we tried conceiving nautically with no such luck, so we adopted our angel domestically in the Mid West. This is not my first go with adoption. My senior year of high school I became pregnant and placed my son for adoption at birth. I have two cats and one dog.  I am the oldest daughter of three children. I have my CDA that gives me the ability to work with pre-school aged children. In the past year my husband and I tried one round of infertility treatments with IVF and did not conceive. As you can see Im kind of all over the place so bare with me, my posts will very from IVF,motherhood, adoption, family and much much more!  forgot to mention that I am obsessed with Hello Kitty!:)