Losing Hope from Jack Johnson

Im a big fan of Jack Johnson and his music has always spoke to me. I listened to him in my Van this morning, after I loaded my Ipod music to the Van's hard drive! How cool is that... If you like a very peaceful, beachy sound you will love this song. Take a listen... Im not losing hope in my update or fertility. But like the song says its easy! Bless you all have a great Monday : /

                                 I miss Hawaii more and more each and every day! Jack Johnson is from Hawaii, I was so sad that I didnt get to meet him there ;) Mahlo my lovely Hawaii!

Going on more than a month and still NO UPDATE

So this week I spoke with Kirsh and Kirsh two times. I called and spoke to Lauren the Corresponding specialist on Wednesday. She said that they still hadn't heard anything from Cody's mom or revived my update to hold for pick up or mail to me. Lauren only has the info on Cody and his family that Cody's mother is willing to share. At this point in time that is just her personal email and address. She is obviously not responding to the last emails (three I think). Lauren then tells me she is going to have Steve (my favorite of my two lawyers but shhh don't tell) write a letter and send to Cody's mom and dad, in  few days if they haven't contacted them back. I called back Friday with some hope in my heart that I think God put there just for this reason. Lauren and Steve are composing a letter this week to send to Cody's family.. Hopefully that puts a fire under there butts.


Today in Mass I learned that we should always forgive those that do us wrong and turn the other cheek. Which I know to be true with out hearing it. But I needed to hear it. I don't know why Cody's mom isn't sending my update, so I'm trying to be understanding and not mad about this situation. It is so hard to do so.. but I'm trying.


Ever since my first letters and cards to Cody (and his a family) I have worried that what I write, feel or express may hurt Cody or his family.. I also have felt like I may confuse or worry them. When I write to them I want them to know that what I'm writing is how I feel and what I want to say to my son. Yes I think about his family. But our letters are our letters. I don't get to see or speak with my son. Not by my choice, but writing is my only communication to him. I have decided that even if Cody's family doesn't send me an update I will continue to write and send letters/ cards. Even if I can't see him he will know my love for him!  For my love is so strong for him.. and that is the ONLY reason I stopped being selfish thinking about my self and thought about him and his needs. 


I have talked/wrote a bit about what I'm going to write now so please read past blogs, if need be.
When I placed Cody I thought I was ready for what was going to happen and what I was going to feel. But truth be told I had no idea what I would feel. When I was at home for the two weeks after (till I went back to HS hell) I wanted him back. I wanted him back bad.. I wasn't thinking of his family or his biological father. I was thinking about CODY AND I for once. I wanted to do what I had to do to get him back. But I never had the $ or power. When I had my counseling with Meg(see other blogs) I cried and my daddy begged for info on how to get him back.. Meg said what about the adoptive family Stephanie.. I then cried back WHAT ABOUT ME NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! I'm not a selfish person at all... I didn't want to put them threw any pain or anguish. When I was in emotional pain this week I asked Matt.. if I wasn't allowed to be selfish.. Why does Cody's mom? It is not fare to me or Cody.

8 years into the adoption "game" and I still don't understand it all. I like to think I'm still learning. I don't believe I will ever "know it all"  But this I don't know if I will ever ever understand. I'm trying  but failing at it.

Are you Infertile? Could you use a little Hope put in to your day?

http://notafertilemyrtle.blogspot.com/2011/02/terrific-tuesday-giveaway_15.html

Go to my friend Suzy's page and enter to win thee cutest #HOPE bracelet! I know I'm entering as many times as I can! I want that bracelet and I want it bad!

Still waiting

 I am STILL WAITING on my up date. I have been calling and calling and calling Kirsh and Kirsh to see if they have any news for me?! Still nothing. I called last week and told the CS that I'm sorry I'm bugging her so much. She pulled up my file and said.. hum it has been a month that is plenty enough time to get a update to me. So she said she would email again... and call me back when she had heard something more. Friday late afternoon Kirsh and Kirsh's CS called to tell me she still hadn't heard anything.. she was going to keep me updated and would call the second she heard something. If I haven't heard from her by Wednesday I'm to call her back. She could hear the disappointment in my voice. I think she feel's bad for me, I don't want that I just want my update.

So here I sit Tuesday night. With my mind going and going. I don't know what to think any more. Nor do I know what  the CS is going to say to me in the morning. It scares me to pieces, Its not like Kirsh and Kirsh can  "do anything" if Cody's A mom refuses to send anything. I just don't know or understand. How she could be so excited to send the update to me, and a month latter I sit her with less info on Cody than I had when I started my update search. I'm trying to not take it personally. But its hard. I gave a large chunk of my heart to Cody's A mom when I placed him. She now has all the power when it comes to me and Cody. I'm not a person the thrives on power. But I have none and it makes it strain on my heart.

I also worry and think about the possibility that Cody's A mom didn't give him his package and cards. I sent him a valentines day card too. What if he is kept from my love? I am his only birth parents that want's to be in his life and is trying to. He deserves so much love and time from us. If he isn't being told how I feel will he ever be told?

I just want to scream loudly! I will keep you all updated when I hear back Wednesday.. I might pull a I just woke up and Im calling you from my bed move.. I want it that bad!! If you pray please pray for some good news, or keep me in your thoughts! Love lots<3

 

all images from Google

Im so in love with this little girl

Not of my flesh, nor of my bone, yet still miraculously my own...never forget for one single minute that you may not have grown under my heart, but in it! Put so PERFECTLY how I feel by an Unknown Author. Pictures are from our drive to the hospital, day she was born and at the hospital. Her lovely birth mother let our crazy butts be in the delivery room and we were Lillians caregivers the entire time at the hospital! Matt got to cut the cord and I was one of three pushing partners.(can you feel all of that love?) She truly has an amazingly large heart! She makes pretty cute babies too!;) Love you *AJ

Not much to report... but ehh

Nothing much to report.... but ehhh. I thougnt I would post any how.

 Still NO update. Im on facebook too and I follow a few birth mother groups on it. There is one group that love to read and talk to the other birth mothers on. One of the girls that started her page had a little girl and she will be three next month. She has been waiting on a update for nine months plus. I just cant seem to wrap my head around it! I breakes my heart that I have not had a update in three years. But I am just not getting the bug to do and say something about it. This poor sweet girl is in aggony! I guess all Im saying is updates ate so important to thoes in a open adoption, where seeing our child is not the opption.

So Im infertile... we all know this what have you. I would never exspect people that dont get it to care or show compashion to me. BUT last night as I was reading my Facebook a gal I went to high school with posted this: "Cough, cough, hack, hack... stupid fetus is preventing me from taking the good cold medicine"... Are you kidding me? You are giving birth to a child, a person and you only care about medicine? I was so up set and hurt! I know its not about me... but I worried about her child.. So I said something to her "I'm sorry your sick that sucks.... At-least you can have a baby!!!Some of us cant. Hope you get feeling better,lots of rest and watter will help." When she replied to me all she said was she was moving cross country no rest for her. I then realized she will never get it! I however am proud that I said something.. maybe it made her think, maybe it made her  feel great-full.

Hope all of my readers all 10 or so have a good week! Hope for good weather and good time with family and work!

Stephanie

I wonder and think...thank and love

As I am a birth mother my self and a mommy threw adoption, I often get looks of confusion and wonderment. I'm guessing people get confused at my placement and then adoption. But it is no longer about me any more. It is now about my two children, and their parents in my heart. But the one person I think of most after my two angels would be my daughters birth mother.

When we adopted Lillian we asked for photos of her birth mother. We wanted Lillian to always know what her mother looks like and where she came from. Lillian's mother has quite a few siblings, I got the pleasure to meet them and get pictures of them also. I am so grateful for their giving hearts. I think and pray about Lillian's mother every day. I once "spoke" with a twitter friend as to how my heart felt after Lillian was placed with us. My heart broke for her. Just as any mother that adopted would for her child's birth mother. I have felt the same pain in my own heart. I for the longest time I didn't like what I did to someone ells. I was mad at my self for allowing another "Birth mother friend" to feel the same  pain.

But now as Lillian is 18 months old I now wonder how her day to day life is. How is her heart, has it started healing or is it a open wound, praying for a salt-less life. We have since the adoption became friends with one another on Facebook.  I see she seems so happy with her new life and love. I cant help but to worry and pray  for her. I may never know how she truly feels. I know she can see pictures and read how Lillian is doing any time she wants. I feel it may hurt or make her feel better. But Im glad she has the opportunity to do such a thing.

But I hope and pray that in her life she still feels like she can lean on her family for strength. I feel like being available to her to see pictures of Lillian is the best thing I can do. Every Birth mother is different. BUT every Birth mother loves their child. I hold Lillian's Birth mother at the highest regard in my life. I can never love her to much or thank her enough! We love you Lillian's tinny little (short and slim) Birth Mother! <3

From My Kirsh and Kirsh Interview

 I recently got my write up from my interview with Kirsh and Kirsh. I am feel so honored that I would even be asked for such a thing.

Joshua  January 28 at 8:11pm Report

You are the first person to read this... tell me to hit delete if it upsets you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have; It was my honor to write it...


Stephanie’s story

”I’m not a very selfish person, so when I found out I was pregnant, at the inappropriate time of life, I instantly thought of my child. I wanted a better life for him, so it was important to think solely about his future and not my own desires. Naturally, when I first thought about adoption I had all the concerns that anyone would think. Some of them silly, like did I have to go to a special place to wait till I delivered. To more real thoughts about what would my child think about me as he grew older.”

“Joel Kirsh came to meet my mom and I in our kitchen, which was a great comfort in itself. Joel was very upbeat, and professional. He was the most reassuring person at that time of my life. I never felt like he was looking down at me, as I felt everyone else was. He was charming, funny, and warm. At one point I was concerned my mother was going to start flirting with him, he just had a way of setting us both at ease.”

“Of all the things I recall in that first meeting, I remember Joel saying, 'Listen, you might be thinking this is what you want to do now, but if at any point you change your mind you aren’t going to get any pressure from us. We will wish you the best. You just do what is right for you and your son, and we’ll be there to help if you need us.' "

“Post placement was rough. The permanency of the adoption was very hard. But I got back into school, and i was surprised at the support i got from the most unlikely of places. The letters and photographs began to arrive, and then I could see what i had created. I hate to say I felt proud, but when I could see the happiness in all their lives, and I could see my son being loved, and adored by a new family. It made all of the rough spots worth it. Most of all, I was happy that I had created something so special.”

"Let me give you some advice..."

1. "Seek counseling, It doesn’t cost anything but time, Kirsh and Kirsh will set it up for you."

2. "Don’t be bashful with your wishes and desires, it has to be your adoption plan, it can’t be someone else's."

3. "Work with someone like Kirsh & Kirsh, because if I ever have concerns and/or problems they will be there. It’s corny, but they are an extension of my family now."

Status on My Update

Last week was a bit crazy for me, I have not been able to post a blog in a while. My lap top's hard drive almost crashed. Lucky me I have an incredibly talented husband that can fix most any computer!:) Yesterday the new hard drive was put in and we are up and running! Last week Lillian and I had sooo much we had to do or just did for errands sake. Now we are resting at home and going no where. If you don't watch the news then you would not know about the ICE storm that came our way last night. It is quite sucky! But what can one do?

Now on to the reason for this post. Last week I called  Kirsh and Kirsh. I spoke with Laura again, by the grace of God  Cody's mother is going to send me a update to Kirsh and Kirsh "in a few days". It looks like They moved to their farm in Indiana and changed their phone numbers. To say I was thrilled was a understatement. I jumped up and down on our new bed (oops) and when I spoke to Laura my heart was beating faster than it has in a long time. I embarrassingly enough said YEAHEYAH on the phone with her! But I don't care!:) Now I sit and  wait for my up date.

I was also told that I can send Cody and his family Pictures, letters and cards. Which I worked on for  two days. I had it all ready and sent it out on Friday. I did something grown up as I made my update. I also included what I know about Cody's Biological father with photo's "I borrowed off a friends Facebook page" Cody's Biological father and I have not spoke in almost four years. Which I think is the best for me. I let Kirsh and Kirsh know that I sent out Cody's update and politely asked if mine had come in yet. No update had arrived .

I now am so excited and eager to receive my update. I wonder what he looks like, what he is a fan of. What is he not a fan of. Does he like the same things I do or does he enjoy things his biological father does? Does he still talk about me or wonder about me? Does he have any idea how much I love him? I still wish I could see him and spend time with him. But I stupidly didn't speak up all those 8 years ago! So now I feel like these updates are all I can go on, until the day I can hopefully by the grace of God get to "meet him" again.

I pray and long for the day where I can once again hug him and have him in my life.

                                            Pictures from my wedding day.. I felt Cody had to be there! He walked with me down to meet my husband! :) Just like the way I wanted!<3